The Doppenberg's in Guatemala….

I’ve sat staring at a blank page for an eternity. I find writing take a lot out of me…. Putting my heart and soul out there for all to read is something I find very draining… but here goes nothing.

Being here in Guatemala again seems almost unreal at times. It’s our 3rd visit here in 2010 and that makes it seem unreal… and yet it feels so much like home its scary. The family dynamic we have here is unlike anything we experience anywhere else on the planet. We bicker less, we annoy each other less and we are way more simply a family here. There is no tv, no major distractions so we spend time together doing family things… after working that is… haha

Rachel, one of my youth girls is along with us for a portion of this trip. She expressed that she really felt God was leading her to go so after much thought and discussion between her parents and us we decided to have her accompany us for 12 days. I have to say its amazing to watch a fresh young mind with fresh young eyes see this place for the first time. Its beauty, its people etc. She has fit right into our family and is having the time of her young life. At times she struggles here as we all do. The physical struggle of the work is manageable, it’s the emotional struggle dealing with the broken-ness of our world that is hardest to manage. She expressed through tears the other night that she feels ridiculous complaining about anything in her life after seeing what she has seen here in the short time she has been here. I know that feeling… my entire family does… and I also know that fades after time but I also know that there is a piece of this place that stays with you forever. It’s impossible to come here and not be changed. We are all thankful for each other here… We talk together, cry together, pray together and bond together to help each other manage all we see and feel as a unified community. We can also feel the prayers from home and for those we are eternally thankful!

A few days after arriving here we travelled to the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro to see Hermana Mercedes and gather material lists for the work projects we fundraised for. A trip to the malnutrition hospital is always a struggle for me, a beautiful struggle but a struggle none the less. It was at this place just over 10 months ago that my life was forever changed by a tiny 17year old boy, severely malnourished with brain damage, confined to a crib, by the name of Estuardo. For those of you that have followed my blog you will remember Estuardo rocked my world and my perception of just about everything. Months ago, I cried as I stroked his head and swore to help him and others like him. I knew then and there that God led me to that place to show me the new path for my life. I remember crying more that day than I ever had in my life…. Crying for the needless suffering that severe mal-nutrition brings. I cried at the hospital, the car ride home, back at camp, through dinner, and most of the night as my life changed in an instant.

I guess you could compare it to the Grinch and how his heart grew 3 sizes that day. The day I met little Estuardo lying in a crib my heart not only grew but it changed completely. I would never, ever be the same and I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him.

All the way to the hospital I wondered how he was and I was so excited to see the boy who unknowingly changed my life. It’s very true what they say… you never quite know how you are affecting the lives of those around you….

After touring the hospital and getting the necessary material lists for the main building repairs it was time to head to the nursery building. My heart was beating fast and I was shaking all over. A familiar face was there to greet us when we walked into the nursery. A tiny little 5year old boy who could not walk during our last visit. We were pleasantly surprised to see him scurrying around on solid legs, he was walking! The rest of the nursery was quiet and pretty much empty except for 2 small girls in strollers and one baby in a crib. The baby was obviously blind and had a severe facial deformity. Basically the worst case of cleft palate I have ever seen where her front teeth were completely visible because they were where her top lip should have been.

I asked Mario to ask Hermana Mercedes where all the children were. She explained that ones that are healthy enough can go home for Christmas to spend time with their families. My heart leapt. I asked about Estuardo. Mario translated that Estuardo was indeed home!!! I smiled so wide and for a brief moment I was elated! Hermana Mercedes sensed my misunderstanding and quietly spoke to Mario to translate. By the look in her eyes I knew instinctively and I held my breath. Estuardo went home to Jesus one month ago. Estuardo had died……

Instantly my eyes filled with bittersweet tears and the room began to spin. I felt the eyes of everyone, my family, Rachel, Hermana Mercedes on me and I began to cry quietly and walked away for a moment. While I know that Estuardo is with God now and free of the pain, suffering and strife of this world it still broke my heart for the loss from this earth a beautiful boy that the world will never have the pleasure of knowing. I had a completely human reaction. As I walked back to join the others I saw all the love and compassion in their eyes. They understood. My family knew Estuardo and all that he meant to me. Even Rachel who had never met Estuardo but had heard me talk of him understood completely. After a few more discussions of renovations etc we were back off home to camp. The 1 1/2hr ride back was very quiet as all rides back from the hospital are. I shed tears yet again on that ride home.

That night I walked around the ground of Esperanza staring up into the night sky. I wish I could describe the night sky here in Guatemala and do it justice. Suffice it to say that there is no denying the existence of God when you gaze up into a clear sky here with its countless stars twinkling everywhere. To me Estuardo is one of those stars… far away and beautiful. I picture him laughing, playing and running into the arms of Jesus… all things he was incapable of doing here on earth in his frail, broken earthly body. I know he is healthy and happy now in Heaven.

Little Estuardo is my twinkling star… forever a piece of me now… I look forward to a day when I can see him again, hug him and tell him exactly what he meant to me and how he changed my life. For now I will be content to remember him every time I see a star twinkling in the night sky anywhere in the world. God speed little one!

God Bless!

So… here we are again… I’m back in Guatemala and still trying to figure out how my life has changed so much so that I am back here for the second time in just over a month….

This time it’s different.  Because I was here at the beginning to experience all the hopes, dreams, excitement & enthusiasm of everyone it was different.  The camp vibe was different.  The people were different.   Now Im here again very much toward the end of the season and much of those feelings are… well, not gone… just different.   Combine that with the fact that Ted, Miriam and the students have gone on a week long road trip and we are pretty much here on our own and you have … well … different.  Its so quiet here its almost spooky hahaha.  Different because the rains have come early and everything we do here we are racing against the clock, against the mud, against the rain.  Different because within a few days of arriving I got stung by a scorpion that had wandered into my towel while I was showering.  Ok, so its poisonous, but not deadly, but man is it painful.  As I write this days later my hand is still numb, tingly and burning… and Im told that this feeling will last for months… fun times….I guess its also different because the ‘shock’ of what I’m seeing and experiencing here isnt there anymore.  Ive seen it, I know what to expect and that makes things different.  Not less gut wrenching, just different. 

I was struggling the first few days here with everything… with all the ‘different’.  I didnt know how to process that any more than I knew how to process all that I saw the first time here.  The gang left on their road trip and Ted left us with a list of tasks which included things like returning to all the job sites we worked on when we were here last time to build doors and chimneys plus some other sites both new and old to perform various tasks.  This was so exciting to me.  I could not wait to return to see Antionette and the finished home we built.  The thought of seeing Pavlo and Cantidad made my heart soar.  If you recall that is the elderly couple that had the spider infested corn stalk home…. the one that it took them 15 minutes to move everything they own out so we could begin.   That elderly couple touched my heart and I couldnt wait to see them again.  So bright and early Monday morning off we went to visit various sites.  Our first stop was Pavlo’s… Cantidad ran out to greet us with hugs and kisses on the cheek.  She brought us fruit called grenadina and talked away like we could understand her hahaha…  I have to say that Zack and I are beginning to catch words here and there.  It is now our goal to work together to learn Spanish and eventually speak it at home between the two of us.  Semi-Flutent by next year is the goal.   It was an amazing visit and we were humbled that they remembered us so vividly.  We left there with promises to return before we head home again.   We did manage to visit them again to finish up the door we built for them.  Geoffs mom made a large beautiful blanket for us to give away last time.  For various reasons we never ended up giving away the blanket and left it here at camp in a suitcase with leftover toys we never had time to give away.  I gave the blanket to Cantidad.  Her eyes teared up when I gave it to her and she held me tight in a hug full of warmth and gratitude.  She held my hands and thanked God for sending us to her.  I cannot explain how much this old woman means to me… suffice it to say that I thank God every day for sending her to me….

From there we went to Yolanda’s.  The only thing I can tell you about Yolanda’s is the Wells of Hope built a home for her previously and there are so many kids there its unbelievable.  The tiny village has only a few homes and you will see 10 children… then 20…. then 30…  Its hilarious to visit there with the kids coming literally out of the wordwork.  And the kids are so happy and playful.  A day there is an experience like no other.  At one point Zack had 9+ kids hanging off him and Luke and Gabe just run and laugh with them.  It amazes me how we are unable to communicate much more than the basics and yet there is no need for words… none at all.    Again they have nothing more than a mud hut and a few belongings… not much food… they work harder than any of us could ever imagine and yet they have so much more than any of us do.   We handed out the rest of the toys Luke and Gabe’s school St Mark donated at Yolanda’s village.  The children literally swarmed us.  Their smiles and laughter and sheer pleasure at getting a small toy made us all happier than we had been in a very long time.  For the women Geoff’s mom had made aprons and all the women put them on immediately and wore them with wide smiles. We all left there full hearted and jovial.  There is no way in the world anyone could visit Yolanda’s village and not leave happier than they have ever felt before.

The next day after Geoff trekked up and down the mountain 4-5 times to gather supplies for various projects that Wells of Hope have going here we were off to El Progresso to the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro also known as the Mal-Nutrition Centre and a visit to Sister Mercedes.   For those of you that followed my last trip you will remember that this place truly broke me.  I spent the rest of the day and evening after leaving there in tears.   My children watched me cry more than they have ever before.  Particularly one boy… Sister Mercedes called him “Eduardo”.  He was new to the centre and had only been there one day.  She didn’t know much more about him other than he was 17yrs old and was very close to death.  This time she knew much more… his name was not Eduardo… but Estuardo.   And I am happy to report that he is doing much much better.  The bedsores that were of great concern due to infection have cleared up nicely and although his brain has been severely damaged due to lack of nutrition he is coming along very well.   There were many more babies and children there this time, including Jennifer who is in almost as bad a shape as Estuardo and Marietta who is 13 and can be no more than 60 pounds…. Babies with no hair… sick and literally dying.   Its a tough place to see.  This was the first time our kids had been there since they did not go with us the first time.  The drive back from this place is approximately 90 minutes and not many words are spoken.  It’s very tough to speak when your heart is broken.

One thing that my boys realized quickly was that this place was in desperate need of help.  The building is falling apart and Sister Mercedes does amazing work saving the lives of these kids.  These precious little kids deserve a chance and Sister Mercedes has been trying to give them this chance for 28years with very little outside help.  My boys came out of their quiet broken-ness long enough to tell Geoff and I that the Hospital Infantil was one of the places they want to concentrate their fundraising efforts on.  I can’t argue with that… need is need and this place is in need.   Their fundraising effort had raised $1000.00 by the time we left and they decided to use some of that money here in the mountains of Jalapa to help a family who’s roof is almost non-existant and they get wet whenever it rains.  We visited them early in the week to do a bit of work to get a hydro line to their home.  They had no access to lights so a good portion of their lives have been spent in the dark.  They sold almost everything they had and most of their land to get an operation for their youngest daughter who was born with a severe cleft palate.  Even then, they did not have enough money to afford the whole operation.  So the doctor fixed the outside of the young baby’s face but not the inside.  So now when she eats the food literally comes out her nose.  On top of all this, their living conditions are not good and the roof of their cornstalk home has many leaks.  So the boys went with dad and bought some wood and some metal to replace the roof.  Next year when we return they want to build a home for this family to replace their cornstalk home and we will just re-use the roof.  Its awesome to see my boys and their efforts truly pay off in making a difference in people’s lives!  Tomorrow we will go and build that roof for this family and we are all truly excited to do so.

Well its the next day and we just returned from building the roof for Minor and his family.  It had rained here all night so the road to their home was impassable.  So we all grabbed various tools, wood and metal roofing panels and trekked up the mountain slipping and sliding the whole 1km.  It was incredibly brutal.  Geoff and Zack took the brunt of it all considering they had to make several trips up and down carrying huge pieces of wood and 12 cumbersome roof panels that were too heavy for the rest of us.  However I must say Luke managed to carry one panel and was very proud. It was such a tough day.   Brutal… and yet just a mere taste of the labour intensive life these people live.  This family walks that road several times a day to get water and other supplies.  Everyone works here.. even small children… everyone!  Finally many hours later we were all dead tired, filthy, covered with mud and done.  The roof was on and the family will remain dry during this coming rainy season.  Next year we will return to build them a home if our fundraising efforts continue to go well.   While we were there a man came to see us and ask if we could do the same for his home.  So we walked a fair distance to see his home.  Daylight streamed into the home from the various holes in the roof.  Immediately Luke and Gabe said that we need to buy this man metal panels to fix his roof.  We explained to them that this will take up more of their fundraising money and they both agreed that they could not walk away and leave this family in need… So looks like these boys managed to really help 2 families in need during this trip from the money that was raised.  Our whole family wants to thank everyone who donated… you have no idea how your money has made a difference in peoples lives here… the people here say a heartfelt “Gracias!”

On the way back to camp as we were driving down the mountain past Pavlo’s we saw Cantidad running waving her arms furiously.  Geoff slammed on the brakes thinking that there was something wrong.  He ran up the hill to greet her.  She grabbed him and hugged him so tight then turned to the truck and waved to me and wrapped her arms around herself in a makeshift hug sent across the distance.  My heart both leapt and broke.  My eyes filled with tears.  She flagged us down just to give us that hug.  I am unable to communicate with her very much and yet this woman has worked her way into my heart so much.   I feel privileged to have even met her… I feel even more privileged to have had the opportunity to be a part of the team that built her and her family a home.  Its amazing how one very elderly woman I barely know can represent so much…. She is a part of me now… she is Guatemala to me… Guatemala is where I found myself and what I stand for… she is the reason I am here… she is the reason I am home when I am here… and I will come home to her again and again God willing….

Its Sunday…. we arrived home late Thursday night/early Friday morning…. Been struggling ever since we arrived back in the Great White North.  The only way to describe how I feel is simply … wrong.   It all feels wrong…  The changes that I feel inside are not subtle… there is no mistaking that my heart, my mind, my very soul has changed profoundly.  There is no way one can have an experience like this and not be changed.  My fear is falling into complacency but I truly do not see that ever happening.  I feel like I’ve had cuts made into my heart… deep ones… and those kind of cuts leave scars.  Deep, deep scars that will last forever.   Each and every person I met… each and every place I visited… each and every student… virtually everything cut a notch in my heart… they have not begun to heal yet… they are still gaping open wounds but I know they will scab, and then leave behind the scars I will carry for the rest of my life.

I attended a conference at my Church on Saturday called GO10.  It is geared at being the ‘hands and feet of Christ’… Issues like poverty, marginalization etc.  I attended last year and I will say that it is an amazing experience.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  This year Geoff and I literally lasted 15 minutes in the first seminar and had to leave.  There were so many reasons why we left… but the greatest of which is simply that the cuts into my heart are still too fresh.  So much so that I can barely make it through an hour now without tears welling up in my eyes.  When people ask me how my trip was I find myself replying “read my blog” because I simply cannot re-live it… not yet.   Geoff and I were home less than 36hrs when we attempted to attend the GO conference… that was not enough time…. so we got in our car, got tea and drove around talking for a few hours.  Really talking…. I can’t help but notice the changes in my relationship with Geoff… beautiful changes.  Even though we have been together for over 20yrs I have always found myself a bit embarrased to cry in front of him.  There is something about being vulnerable even with the one person in your life that you trust the most that goes against our human ‘survival’ instinct.  Its not like that anymore.  He and I cry freely and openly with each other now… shedding tears for Guatemala…. its people… “our” mountain…  and every other place on the planet that shares in the grief of being a ‘developing’ nation.

When we woke up, safe, warm and comfortable in our own bed on Friday morning there was something missing from our lives.  The sense of ‘wrongness’ had begun.  Our kids were kind of whiny and scattered about the house doing their own thing.  He and I got busy unpacking and doing our own thing.  The vibe of our family had changed drastically and it had been only 9hrs since we got off that plane.   Waking up at Campo Esperanza we were all together… students, the Van Der Zalm’s, us, Dave, Alley, Nicole, my family… Everyone greeted each other warmly… everyone was up early and full of life to begin the day.  Here we were alone and separated by the very sense of familliarity that makes us a family.  I don’t like it one bit.  As I write this, Geoff is sitting beside me on his computer, Zack is in his room with a friend playing a game, Luke is watching tv and Gabe is colouring.  We are inhabiting the same 1200sqft space and we have certainly carved out our ‘alone’ place in it.  Now, everyone needs time alone… I get that… but this is different… this isn’t being alone… this is being separate.  Why must it be that way?   Why is it that in Guatemala, we laughed, we cried, we played, we worked, we hung out 24/7 as a unified family… never separate… and here separateness is total.

I think waking up that Friday morning here in Beamsville was as eye opening as seeing Guatemala and its strife.  You could feel the tangible wrongness in all of us.  We missed it… missed the camp, missed the students, missed Ted, Miriam and the kids… missed Guatemala…missed the mountain, its people,  its poverty, its beauty, its hope.   Zack has not communicated much of his feelings to me since that day a few weeks ago walking with him in the jungle… but I know he feels it too.  As much as his 15yr old heart and mind can handle … or will allow him to handle.   All he says now is that he wants very badly to go back.  Luke and Gabe have made it their mission in life to raise $2000.00 before we return (which they are hoping is within a few weeks) to build a classroom for Laguna school where we handed out the toys…   The end goal for them is to raise $10,000.00 over the next 1-2yrs. They want to build a home for someone and to help fix up the Nutrition Centre where we met Eduardo.   These 2 are so young and yet such an inspiration.  For them its so simple…. “Mommy, these kids need us so we are going to get money for them so they don’t have to hurt and die anymore”… Oh if it were just that simple….   I’m going to do my best to make their dreams come true… and I will do everything in my power to help these boys raise the money and reach their goal!!!

For me, everything has changed…. how do you go to a mall… how do you order a steak at the Keg… I know I will… but its not going to be easy… not at first.  Everything I spend, everything I do from now on, I will be a bit more mindful of the cost.. not just to my wallet but to the world as a whole.  I know life will continue…. I know that I will shop… I know I will overspend at Christmas… I know these ineveitable truths… but I know that my idea of ‘inconvenience’… my idea of ‘give till it hurts, then give some more’ will always be different than it was a few weeks ago…  Shelley, Eduardo, Pavlo, Cantidad, Baby Daryl and the others will be the scars I carry… good ones… ones that not only make me sad but remind me of times where I listened to the laughter… danced in the rain, hung out and talked with some of the most wonderful young people I have ever had the privilege of knowing, worked until I hurt so bad I wanted to faint and had….. hope…  True, real, tangible HOPE!    I want to return to them all… sooner rather than later… I want to continue to Be the Change….and I know I will….

Without every communicating a word of my feelings to Geoff…. Friday morning,  less than 12hrs after getting off that plane, he just knew.  He opened his laptop and began searching flights back.  So there it is… we are returning… dates have yet to be set… flights have yet to be booked… but I can say that we are going back… and I am talking about within a few weeks.   School will have to deal… work will have to deal… our friends and family will have to deal… The Doppenberg’s need this… we need to return to a place that feels ‘right’ for our family… to a place that feels more like home than here… to a place where hope is alive and well……

…. stay tuned….. the adventure has just begun…..

God Bless you all…

Its Tuesday… the internet here has been down since last week… its difficult being so out of touch with the outside world… and yet… its been wonderful… No tv.. no internet… very sporatic and rare cellular communication.  Even newspapers and tv hold no help for catching up with the world inside and outside Guatemala because we cannot speak, read or understand the language.  Apparently a 5.0 earthquake hit here at 5am… all we know is that it sounded like every animal in Guatemala was making noise… we heard about it 3days later when someone called home!  Its like the world outside of Campo Esperanza, Jalapa and this mountain have ceased to exist to us.  This is our world now.  Its going to be difficult to integreate back into life I think.  Its all so simple here… wake up early, breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, together time, sleep, repeat.  There are no further distractions.  Its given me so much time to focus my family, others, myself and my faith.  Not just my faith in God… but my faith in humanity… in those around me… and those around the world…  We are just a handful of people here and yet we have managed to achieve so much in just a few short weeks.  2 homes are being built…. one of which (Antionette’s) is drying and will be completed by having the roof added within a week or so…the other (for the elderly couple Pavlo and Candidad)   has begun and will be ready soon…. we dug a trench and installed water lines to the family across the road from camp.  They are in severe poverty and this access to water will enable them to grow crops through the entire year (even the dry season) and provide them potential for a solid living.  All in all we have had a productive few weeks.  Much of it was spent touring the area and setting up things for the teams yet to come.  But we managed to make a difference in some lives.. we provided hope and opportunity for a different, better future.  As I said, simple…

Yesterday we drove Adam and Aaron (2 university students who were here for 10 days) to Guatemala City for their flight home.  We spent the day there as a family (and Dave) and tried to do ‘normal’ things.  Things like eating in a restaurant, going shopping… sightseeing.  Within an hour we were all stressed and annoyed by the normalcy of it all… by the chaos and redundancy of the city.  Camp is like paradise… rooms, beds, fantastic meals, fellowship and community.   Here in the mountains you can be sure that everyone you see says “Buenos Dias”…  The city is cold and makes you feel stressed and isolated, you dont make eye contact anywhere there.  It will be interesting to see how our return home goes.  On one hand we are excited to be going home.  We have much to look forward to there… people we love and miss… our own beds, our dogs, our life…  and on the other hand it would be easy to just sell it all, move here and help people every day… it would be simple….

I had a mental meltdown on Sunday… it had been a stressful weekend.  We decided as a group on Saturday to pile in the trucks, pick up Mario (our interpreter)and his family, grab pizza and go to a big soccer game that was happening in Jalapa.  It was a great night… full of fun and excitement.  But somehow it all felt wrong deep down.  Its hard to enjoy things when the world around you is a total mess.  We all know that guilt is counter-productive but its hard to not feel the wrongness of it all here.  All you have to do is step outside the door of the camp and look out into the mountainsides…  Either way it was still a fun night with all of us.  On Sunday we went to church and wow.. what an experience that was.  Mass was to begin at 10:00am and was outdoor.  It was a huge feast day where the bishop was attending for the blessing of the seeds for the upcoming planting season.   Fireworks and those bomb like things were going off every few minutes throughout the celebration.  It was a sea of people.  There were no more services on the mountain so people for all the surrounding villages made their way to this one outdoor service.  Booths were set up on the perimeter selling drinks and snacks.  The sun was beating down on us and it was very warm.  Mass did not begin until almost 11am and was very, very long.  We were all hot and quite honestly frustrated that we could not understand a word of the service.  Once it was over, we dragged our crispy bodies back to camp had some lunch and then we were off again.

Ted, Miriam, myself, Geoff and Dave H. went to visit the Nutrition Centre in Progresso about an hour away.  I was truly looking forward to this trip because nutrition is something I’ve always been interested in as I explained in an earlier blog.  The centre is run by Sister Mercedes.  She founded it 28yrs ago and a kind family donated the property to her to help children who suffer from malnutrition in the area.   She is looking to get an opportunity to have a 2nd more permanent location in Jalapa but for now she travels the hour long one way commute on twisty dangerous mountain roads 3 days a week.  Upon arriving and meeting her another nun came with drinks for us all.  I admit I was terrified to drink this cloudy looking water.   Miriam took it and drank and that gave us the signal that we were ok to drink.  It tasted terrible but we all drank and were thankful for it.  Its a sugar water sort of thing made from a plant and is cheap to make and provides some sweetness.  I suppose its an aquired taste.  They made it with filtered water so we would not become ill… they inconvenienced themselves for us and we truly were thankful.   After our refreshment we were off for a tour of the facility that houses approx 30children at a time.  Touring the facility we noticed that there was a lot of smoke in the inside air.  Ted was fearful that the smokeless stove they built for them was malfuctioning but once we were in the room where they were cooking we realized that they weren’t using it correctly.  The roof has problems and there are areas where it is asbestos and it is crumbling.  The walls need work, the floors, they need small kitchens built… they have one area in mind that would be great for a kitchen.  They tore out an old bathroom in the school part of the building.  When we entered the area to look at it the stench was horrible.  Apparently when they took out the bathroom they left the pipes open and just covered them with wood… Basically they need an overhaul.  Its an amazing group of buildings but it needs much TLC.  I think Geoff and I may have found the personal project we have been looking for…

At one point during the tour Sister Mercedes took us into a room that was obviously a nursery.  Empty cribs were lined up along the walls and there were pictures of past babies and children who are ‘success stories’ so to speak.   I noticed at the far end of the room was a crib covered in marroon mosquito netting… Once I got closer I saw that the crib was indeed occupied by a boy about the size of Lucas (my smaller than average 9yr old).  Sister Mercedes told us his name was Eduardo and that she brought him to the centre a month ago.  His back was to us so she rolled him over and we gently called out his name and rubbed his head.  He was obviously mentally challenged… apparently he was so severely malnourished because his family simply couldn’t afford food and as a result he did not develop mentally or physically.  He is unable to speak and she isnt sure how much he can comprehend.   I heard Sister telling Miriam that Eduardo was 17… I said wow, 17lbs?…. she corrected me … Eduardo is 17yrs old.   I cannot describe the shock that hit me… you sincerely could have knocked me over with a feather.  I walked back over to him and looked into his big blank brown eyes and began to cry.  He looks like a small child!   Through my tears I managed to take some non-flash pictures of him.  I felt awful doing so but Ted reminded me that Im here for a reason and through my blog, my talking and my photo’s perhaps I can raise awareness and inspire people to help both by donating time and money.  My pictures most likely didnt turn out well because they were shot through totally water filled eyes… I cannot say for sure because I cannot bear to look at them.  This little boy, who should be a young man broke what was left of my heart….

Upon returning to camp I could not even sit with anyone, I went for a walk with Geoff and again I cried.  It was his turn to help cook dinner so I continued to walk by myself.  I ended up sitting alone on a rock outcropping near camp where no one could see me.  Gabriel my youngest saw me and came to me and held me tight.  I explained to him why I was crying and he felt ok leaving me alone.  I couldnt bear making him cry too… Once he was gone, the torrent of tears that I cried was unbelievable.  I cried for over an hour…. and I mean sobbing… I cried for Eduardo… for Nico’s hollow eyed children… for Shelley the epileptic girl who is mentally challenged and sexually abused because of lack of money for meds…. for the children at the school… for those at the dirty puddles gathering water… for the 15yr old girls married and having babies… I cried tears of thankfulness that through Gods grace I was born in a country that I was able to raise healthy children…. I cried tears for them all…for it all… for the young, for the old… for the hungry, for the broken… I was mentally and emotionally broken.  It’s not that it was all too much… it was that it was all too wrong…. too senseless.. too avoidable… fixing these things… to make sure they never happen again would be easy… to see that things here are fixed…. would be…… simple…..

I recovered by morning.  The scars that are on my heart will remain.  They are simply too deep to ever leave.  Perhaps they will fade a bit… but I will never let them go away.  This mountain… Jalapa… Guatemala is in my heart now… its a part of me… a part that is painful… and joyful in the biggest contradiction of feeling I have ever experienced… but it is a part of who I am now… its just that simple….

Something has stuck with me…. something I heard … It has been in the back of my mind since I arrived here.  My lifegroup leader Laurie told a story more than once of her experience here in Guatemala.  She said that there were times that she didn’t think she could go on… she just didnt have the strength to lift that pick axe one more time… but one look into the eyes of a little Guatemalan girl that was watching her and she somehow found another swing.. then another… then another….  I totally understand now what she was talking about…. Today I knew that kind of determination.

Today we left the camp at 8am as usual.  We were off to Antionette’s home.  Martin (the mason) needed more mud bricks so we were there to supply him with more.  Trip after trip we carried brick after brick.  I’ve already told you how labour intensive that is… totally draining.  In the end we carried 500 mud bricks to Martin.  We made the best of it… We taught Martin some english phrases like “Goodbye” and “Excuse me”… we had some fun listening to him say our names.  It took him a long time to understand mine because when I was trying to tell him I had forgotten to roll my R…. Rrrrrrrrita… Once I rolled my tongue he got it right away.  We were all totally fed up with the whole brick thing so to make it more interesting we made it a competition to see if during each trip to the brick making yard and back we could beat our previous time.  Normally as you get more tired you slow down but this gave us the determination to push ourselves harder and harder and beat our last time.   We took it from 30min… to 28min… to 20min… to our final best of 15min right on the nose!!!  After our last trip Antionette made us lunch again.  Rice and beans this time.  Geoff, Dave H and myself took a pass on lunch this time… as appreciative as we were we were unable to handle it today… our tummies have been a tad fragile lately so we took a quick walk to the tienda (store) and got some cookies instead.

After lunch we were off to visit Pavlo and Cantidad…  They are an elderly couple that have been requesting help from Wells of Hope for the past year.  They live in a cornstalk home and its honestly no place for an animal to live let alone an elderly couple.  On the way we made a stop for … you guessed it… more mud bricks because as a group we had discussed and decided to build them a new home!  All the students wanted to give these people a home quite badly.  When we had visited earlier in the week they all said that we have a moral responsibility to take care of our elders so we must help them get better living accomodations.  So here we were now making this families dream a reality.

The look on their faces when we arrived carrying bricks and tools was priceless.  The realization that they no longer had to suffer cold at night with bugs and spiders climbing and biting…  One realization struck me… if someone were to show up at your home and say “We have a tent for you to stay in while we build you a home,  how quickly can you move out?”, how long would it take you to pack up everything you own and move out?  One day?  Three days?  One week?  How many trucks would you need?  One pickup truck?  One large size U-haul?  Two?  Let me tell you, it took them less than 15 minutes to gather everything they own and move it up the mountain to a flat spot out of the way where Greg and some others were setting up a tent like carport for them to live in temporarily.  Fifteen minutes!  They have viturally nothing… and there are others living with them a niece and a couple of children.  Yet they have almost no personal posessions.  One lonely tooth brush hung from a string by a small cosmetic mirror hung on the inside wall of the cornstalk sleeping area.    In the one corner was a small open fire.  The entire room was filled with smoke.  There was virutally nothing else in the room but a few tattered blankets and some clothing.  In the kitchen was a stove area that expels smoke into the room.  A few old pots and several machete’s.  Imagine living life in 2 rooms.  No real beds, virtually living outside with very little to block the rain and wind… No tv, no diswasher, virtually no dishes… no washer, no dryer… no knick knacks, no radio, no computer, no cd’s, hardly any clothes, no toothbrush… and NO washroom… no toilet, no tub, no shower, no toothbrush… bathing is done in the nearest puddle of dirty infested water and washroom business is done in the jungle.  Life is labour intensive and tougher than you could imagine…. but it is simple…. people are happy… they are people just like you and I… but there is a sparkle in their eyes that we lack.  I am learning that in some ways despite the intense poverty they experience, despite the hard, intense labour they must endure every minute, despite being thirsty and hungry and having very little shelter, I find myself being just a bit envious of them and their happiness… their simplicity… their faith, their hope, their spirit.

We began demolition of their house within a few minutes of getting there.  We ripped down the walls, tore off the roofs and pulled up all the support poles and within an hour it was all gone.  The roof inside was covered with a thick layer of creosote so thick it was like stalagmites hanging from the ceiling.  It was from the cooking and the fires that are done inside the house.  I cannot even imagine what these poor people’s lungs are like.  Breathing that in day after day, year after year… with children being raised in these rooms.  Tarantula’s crawled out of the cornstalk walls as we moved them.  They were huge, black and hairy… not poisonous but they were still ugly and scary none the less.  I was helping Geoff take down a beam and one of these beasts flew at me and hit me in the face.  That was an experience I’d prefer to never have happen again to be honest.   They were everywhere and they bit.  We couldn’t help but think of the fact that these creatures would be crawling over these people and biting as they slept.  When Ted asked us if we were willing to stay the whole day and work instead of returning to camp (this meant the students would have a double lesson tomorrow) everyone agreed.  We were all incredibly tired and worn out but looking into the eyes of these people and thinking of them being cold at night and being bitten by these spiders gave us all the determination to go on… to get this house built as quickly as possible.

So off Ted went to get Martin and pull him off of the building of Antionette’s home so he could come and mark out the location of the new home so we could begin digging the foundation.  It took Martin about an hour so we got almost too much of a break.  It was enough to let stiffness and fatigue settle into us.   By the time he was done and the foundation was marked no one wanted to move.  Especially me… I admit I felt near to dropping.  All those bricks, all that demolition, not much lunch and just plain fatigue had all played a part in making me feel like I could not go on.  Ted took me for a walk up the mountain to see the temporary home of the Pavlo and Cantidad.  They were  sitting around a fire with family members and the children.. Cantidad approached Ted and even though I could not understand what she was saying I understood enough to know she was thanking him.  After that I found some determination to continue.  So down we went, picked up the tools and got to work.  We all dug and dug and dug… pickaxes, shovels, hoes and sheer determination getting it done.   I am telling you to trust me when I say that work down here is brutal.  The ground is not soft… the weather is hot… the bugs bite and even petting a dog here can get you a nasty bite.  But the work is more rewarding than anything I’ve ever done before.  Pretty much every muscle I have hurts, even some I didn’t know I had.  I’m tired because the animals make so much noise its hard to sleep.  I’m tired because I’m working harding physically than I ever have before in my life….And yet, I go on… I work hard… everywhere I can see the eyes of these people looking at me full of hope.. full of life… and I keep going…

Geoff and I have been walking the property here several times a day… talking and trying to process the things we have seen here.  A visit to Nico’s house yesterday put us all in a mood.  Those children have no laughter in them.  I can’t image the horror of their lives.  Nico is not doing well and seems to have been shirking his responsibilities as a father.  He has been drinking.  Its frustrating to see those kids cry in fear of us as we are handing them gifts…  There is no joy, no hope, in their eyes… as a matter of fact there is nothing in their eyes but fear and a certain deadness.  Its heartbreaking to watch knowing all that Ted and Wells of Hope has tried to do to help this family.  We as a group are still brainstorming what to do about this.  Trying to find a way to help them become more self sufficient.  Trying to find a solution to Nico and his drinking.   A trip to Nico’s house equals a definate tearfest for those that visit.   Alley has a special place for Nico and his family in her heart.  She was very upset after we left there.  So upon returning to camp that afternoon Geoff, Dave and I convinced her to join us in Jalapa for an hour.  We needed to get out of here and clear our heads.  So off we went and it was a great time.  We hung out in the cafe, had a snack and just laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.  It was much needed and very therapeutic.  It felt good to be silly and laugh for a while.

Its Saturday now…. This morning Geoff and I walked the property again… we have been struggling with going home.   Walking the property singing… “Should I stay or should I go now…. “….  Back and forth, back and forth… We are changing our ticket… we are not changing our ticket…. We have had some long talks with Ted and I have to say, I admire the van der Zalm family very much.  What they have done here is amazing.  I understand now why Ted says it isn’t about coming down here to appease our personal guilt.  To do a semi-tourism sort of thing and help out so that we feel better once.  Coming down here and truly seeing with open eyes and an open heart makes you need to come back again and again.  The desire to help here and commit to continue to help is what is needed.  Its more than “short term mission” or whatever phrasing you prefer.  Need has a name… need has eyes, noses, mouths and heartbeats… need has feelings… need laughs, cries just like us… Those who need are people just like us… its simple… we have need too… we NEED to help!   Its about commitment.  Its about knowing whats out here and having a moral responsibility to keep coming and helping.  And that goes for anywhere in the world where there is need… and that is worldwide… here, Africa, India, New Orleans …. and yes even St Catharines.  Even people who do not have the ability to travel can be called to help… financially, through fundraising, through helping families or individuals who can travel however they need.  You get my point?  The bottom line is everyone has a place in this world and a way to help, everyone just needs to figure out how they can help.  You know, BE THE CHANGE you want to see in the world….

The draw to stay here is very strong.  Its so hard to think of leaving… to leave these people and their need… to leave projects unfinished….to leave the simple beauty of this place…. to leave these students who we have grown so close to.  We have so many reasons to stay.  Yet the draw to go home is strong too… I miss my home… I miss my family and friends… I miss my lifegroup girls….  so many reasons to go home.  We are so torn… I think we have decided to not change our ticket home… I am not sure though… That decision seems to change almost hourly…. I am sure… absolutely positive that we will be returning in April.  We have to… its that simple…

Well its Wednesday… Its been a pretty easy day for me. Im not feeling all that well… I have pushed my body harder than I ever have before and today I am taking a day to recover. I really, truly need it. This morning the students hung around camp doing some trench digging and painting so I did not miss much… Had it been work off site I would have gone along and probably ended up making myself sick so Im thankful today was quiet. Funny thing, I get up between 5-5:30am here every morning without an alarm… for those of you that know me that is a miracle in itself… I think God is truly giving me the strength to get up early, go all day and rest easy at night. But even God lets me know when I’ve pushed my middle aged body to its limit. We have been here 1 week… incredible. I can’t fathom the fact that an entire week have passed… The sheer thought of going home in 8 days actually terrifies me. I can’t imagine to going back to life at home… Our modest century home is nothing special but here it would be a mansion. I think of what we waste in our society… our food, our water, our time etc. I know that “To Whom much is given, much will be expected” and I am doing my best to think of things that way and not feel ashamed… to not feel guilt. Ted has explained it to me over and over that guilt is counter productive and its not what God means for us. We simply need to help and keep it simple… Serve the poor… never mind what we have… and why where we are born controls our wealth… simply serve the poor. I get it… but its still hard sometimes.

We are getting a bit more of an experience than the typical teams that come down here to Campo Esperanza do. Most teams do not come down until March break at the very earliest. By that time Ted has had time to line up work, meet with village leaders, make decisions along with the board about who they will be helping this season, touring the area’s looking for need and checking in on previous people they have built relationships with. Teams who are here later in the season and for only 10 days miss out on the dynamic of how it all begins. We were so blessed to be with Ted here from day 1… to journey along with him and see everything he is seeing for the first time. Things like Nico’s family not doing well is something that most teams would not see because they come here, do a project, do a tiny bit of visiting and then go home. Being here from Day 1 is a very hard thing but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It makes the experience so much more personal… so much more…. well, just so much more! I will never be able to thank Ted enough for trusting Geoff and I enough to ask us to come and help right from the beginning to help get the students set up, into a routine and mentally handle things they will see. Being a youth leader has definately helped me. I wonder if God has been prepping me for this kind of thing my whole life but I have denied it up until now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the path of my life today. How the youth leader thing is something I’ve always been good at but never was willing to commit to… Now look at the path my life has taken. Im more involved with various aspects of youth ministry than I ever thought possible. I am going with Ted later in the week to visit a Nutrition centre in El Progresso. Ted told me that they are interested in perhaps working toward having one here. Immediately my interest was piqued. When Zack was little and was diagnosed with so many severe food allergies I began to research nutrition like a madwoman. I had to find ways through homeopathy and nutrition to get Zack the nutrients he needed through sources other than the traditional. The doctors had told me that he probably wouldn’t make it to age 6, because I would most likely make an unintentional error and he would be a victim of it. I swore to myself I would never let that happen… I worked so hard and I am happy to report that he is now a healthy and happy 15 year old boy and has grown out of most allergies. We still carry Epi-pens but have only had to actually use one once. I joined associations, I wrote letters, I worked closely with people to help raise awareness for allergies. I even began to visit people in their home who had children who were newly diagnosed and helped their parents grocery shop and outfit their cupboards with suitable food. I had to stop that because of liabilities issues. My lawyer nearly had a heart attack when I told him what I was doing… he said I was a walking multi-million dollar lawsuit waiting to happen. So I stopped helping people out of fear. For myself, I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes that I have managed to control through research of good nutrition. Maybe God is putting me here and putting this Nutrition thing before me out of the blue… I admit I had given up on aspiring to work with people in the field of nutrition… maybe I wasn’t meant to do this at home… maybe I was meant to help turn this into a reality here? Hmmm…. things aren’t clear but perhaps they aren’t quite as blurry…. God’s plan remains a mystery but perhaps Im taking more time to listen while Im here… hmmmm….

I know there are some of the co-op students parents reading this… let me take a moment from a parents perspective to explain life here. Your kids are safe, and healthy. Miriam spoils us with foods you wouldnt imagine. Yes there are scorpions but they are non-poisionous. We have killed a few and no stings. There sting is like that of a wasp so no worries. Everyone is happy, well cared for and working hard. When Ted or Miriam feels that they need a break they must take one. Those who tried to be stubborn and ignore the sun warnings the first week were made to say home from working the next day and not even allowed outside. Ted and Miriam are such amazing and wonderful people… your kids couldnt be in better hands when they are away from home!! Now I must also take a moment to say that your kids are absolutely amazing young people. You must already be so proud of them for undertaking this program… surely there are much easier ways to earn 6 credits! Every day spirits are high, conflicts are resolved quickly and with the upmost of courtesy for the feelings and opinions of others, they are working so hard and really learning to feel. I mean really FEEL… let themselves feel… put aside that teenage angst and become the adults they are meant to be. But let me tell you, nomatter what pride you must feel in them will be magnified tenfold once they come home. They are already changed … and its only just the beginning.

Part of my responsibility here is to be a youth leader. Im here for them for whatever they need. A few nights ago we began ‘testimonies’. If you are not familliar with that concept it is simply sitting around in a circle with all 11 of them, Ted, Miriam, Alley, Nicole, my oldest son Zack and Dave and telling “your story”. When we first got here just about every one of them approached me and said they had absolutely NO intention of doing it. No way, no how! I sat with them each night for the first few days, let them get to know me and who I am and I explained to them that its just a way for them to get rid of the junk they have. Everyone has ‘junk’ and its always good for people to share burdens and they may be surprised that others share the same struggles. Its a great way for them to get to know one another, break down the walls that separate them… to get them to stop facing each other fake and with a facade…. to help them not freak out at others because sometimes if you know a bit about the other person you wont be so quick to anger over things. Maybe it will give you some insight into why people say and do the things they say and do.

Slowly but surely I convinced them this testimony was not something to be feared but something to be embraced. So every night we have been sitting around in a circle under the starry sky listening to each other’s story. I had to begin, they simply werent that brave… but soon they were all wanting to go and they are sharing so well we are only getting through a couple a night… These last nights have been spent listening to each other, laughing with each other… crying with each other… and encouraging each other. After a few testimonies, we break for the night with about an hour left before lights out. Everyone hangs around in small groups and talks it all out. They pretty much all say that these testimonies have helped them so much both by being honest, getting stuff off their chest and by listening to others and realizing that they are not alone in their struggles. Its been a beautiful experience as it always is. They truly are becoming a family.

As far as my family… this experience has been the best thing that ever happened to us. We have always been a very close, tight knit family but this has brought us closer. We are all happier… more open with one another. Geoff and I have held each other as we both have broken down (ok me a lot more than Geoff but you get my point). We are all more vulnerable to one another… our walls have been broken down.. funny thing is we didn’t really realize any existed. But believe me they did… they are just the kind of walls that are transparent but there. Even Zack went for a walk with me into the jungle and we sat under a banana tree for an hour just talking… I can’t remember the last time I spent an hour in deep conversation with my 15yr old son. Sure we have talked… as I said we have always been close but this is different…. this is that sort of intimate no holds barred conversations about life, self and God that are so very rare. Zack is more patient with his brothers… and more protective (see my last post about losing Gabe in the jungle). Lucas and Gabriel are happier… and more giving… they want to raise money for that school classroom but they also want to work and save all their allowance money to raise $1000.00 each to finance the building of a mud home for a family here. Im so incredibly proud of my boys. My heart is broken here every single day by what I see and the community of blood and extended family I have here mends it by the end of each day….

Its the end of the day now… dinner time… the students have returned from teaching english classes in various villages for the afternoon. It has begun to rain… hard. Rare for this time of year… seems you eat dust driving everywhere here because there is no real rain until May. This is apparently a fluke. I was writing and the kids all ran past me and burst out the door… I got up to see what on earth they were doing…. pretty much all of them were outside with my boys.. dancing in the rain… laughing, carrying on…. something so simple can bring smiles to those that are dancing and those that are merely watching… I have to admit… I think it looks like a lot more fun to be dancing than watching…. don’t you think perhaps we should all take some time to do some dancing in the rain… with our kids… by ourselves… with our spouse… I think so….so thats exactly what Im going to do… Im going to go and dance in the rain….

**This one is long folks… sorry but Im not getting to the internet as often as I thought… sorry… = )  **

I’ve tried to write this blog 3 times over the past few days.   Everything I write seems to be inadequate to express what I am thinking and feeling.  It’s Tuesday and 4 days have passed since I last blogged.  I have to admit Im a little bit concerned about writing this then typing it out on the computer.  It loses data at the most random times and I have had to re-type things more than once.  How inconvenient!!   Thinking on it, living communally inconvenient.  You can’t always have a shower at the exact moment you want.  You may not get seconds of your favorite dish because everyone seems to like the same thing.  Personalities clash and to be frank certain people drive you nutty.  People may be loud and you may not get the exact amount of rest you need.    But you know what else is inconvenient?  Having to walk several kilometres through the mountains to carry dirty, parasite infested water that will most likely kill a few members of your family (specifically your children) on your head.  Its inconvenient to run out of food and feed your dirty, naked children a bowl of leftover sugar (you know the kind that is stuck like cement to a bowl after it has gotten damp and sat for days).   It’s inconvenient to sleep on the dirt floor of a cornstalk hut when the temperatures dip to single digits in the mountains at night.  You see where I’m going with this?  Inconvenience moves beyond slow internet connections… beyond flight delays & lousy movie choices on a plane… beyond re-runs of tv shows… beyond long lines at the store… beyond traffic jams that make us late… beyond just about every scenario our North American pampered brains can comprehend.

I’ve watched and participated in so many things these past days alongside the co op students.  We visited an insanely crowded and chaotic market in Jalapa for R & R (yeah, ok…).   We went to Church Sunday morning at 8am passing tons of people who had to begin their walk at 4am to arrive on time.  Standing room only when we got there and by the time the service began there were hundreds outside unable to hear but still worshipping with a smile.   We visited Nico & Yolanda’s home that was built last year by the Southridge groups (shout out here to members of my life group… I miss you guys!)  Nico and Yolanda have 12 kids, the youngest of which Baby Daryl was named by Ted.  Sad situation there that made pretty much everyone cry that night… Emotions ran high.  Kids everywhere, dirty and naked with nothing much to eat but that crusty sugar I talked about earlier.  It showed everyone that these people need so much more than just a house built.  They need to be taught how to become self sufficient and earn a living etc.  High’s & Low’s (we do a High & Low part of your day discussion at dinner time) consisted almost totally of Nico’s house visit being the group low that night.   We are spending the next few days brainstorming with the students ways to help them get it together.   That day we also visited one of several cemetaries on the mountain.  75% of the graves were about 2ft long… basically an entire cemetary filled with children… looking around at the surrounding mountains made us all realize that the scope of this extends way beyond just this mountain.

All the above was just the weekend… let me tell you there were tears shed all around.  We spend a lot of the time here crying, holding each other and talking it all out.  Sometimes its hard to see God here but it seems just when you are at your ultimate low He shows up.

This group is getting so close.  Bonds are being formed.  Unshakable, unbreakable, lifelong ones.  Its impossible to not bond.  You cannot go through this experience alone.  It would break your spirit if you couldn’t share this in community, in relationship.  Its a beautiful thing and it changes you in your core… who you are… you will never be the same you just know that.  I honestly do not know how I am going to go home… how I am going to leave the people, the students, the community here.  I wish so much my life group girls were here to share this with me.  (Shout out to you guys… I miss you and love you very much!)

Yesterday, (Monday) we began work on a home that Wells of Hope began last year but managed to get no further than the foundation because the rains came.  Not much can be done here in the rainy season.  Agriculture is about it, the ground becomes too saturated for any type of building to be done.  We had visited Martin the mud brick mason on Saturday and ordered the 500+ bricks we would need for the home.  Just so happened that Martin had enough mud bricks already made so Monday we began the monumental task of moving them.  We had to load them onto the truck one by one (each mud brick weights approx. 40lbs and are about 4 times the size of normal bricks.  Those of you that have been here know exactly what I am talking about when I say these bricks are awkward, heavy and fragile!  Somehow we found the strength to do several trips and by lunch we had moved just over 300.  While the trips were going back and forth some of us remained behind to pulverize the broken bricks (and we unfortunately broke quite a few) to mix with the water (which we had to walk and fetch bucket after bucket) to make mortar.   Pulverizing with makeshift hoe’s was hard work… Fetching water was hard… Everything here is so labour intensive… everything is hard… absolutely everything!  Well, actually if I am honest I did get to spend a short time taking the mortar (mud) and help build a row of the house.  That was not that hard… that was downright fun!  All of it was quite fulfilling.  Once its all done we can all say that we literally built Antionetta and her children a home with our bare hands, our blood, our sweat and our tears!

We were all exhausted, sore, cut up, bruised, sunburnt (despite the 30-50spf lotion), and hot but a wonderful thing happened…. Antionetta brought us lunch.  A chow mein filled with noodles, native Guatemalan veggies and chicken, tortilla’s and some sort of milky white rice sort of drink (Thanks Ted for drinking this for us so we wouldn’t have to risk getting sick).  It was delicious (well except for the beak that was in mine and Zack’s), and such an honour to be fed knowing the cost it was to her.  Truly these people are so giving!  As I was sitting in the shade under a tree eating I watched everyone.  I noticed the happy chatter and the laughter in our group.  Spirits were so incredibly high despite all the physical aches and pains..  It felt really good to work hard and it truly is better to give than recieve.

Today (Tuesday) we all began the day a bit sore but eager and quite pumped.  You see today we were to help a village of about 15 families get water.  This particular village has no access to water and asked Ted to run a pipeline from an existing well approx. 2km down the mountain to provide them running water.  Ted wants the Students to help with the decision of whether or not to build this pipeline so he wanted us all to experience fetching water by bucket  traditionally by carrying it on our head. So off we trekked to the water source (dirty infested surface water) carrying our buckets.  Downhill… VERY steeply downhill we trekked through the jungle about 10 minutes dreading the trek back uphill.  Only a few of us were able to fill our buckets here because the source was drying up (within a month it will be totally dry). Only a few of us (Ted & Miraim’s son, and my 2 sons Luke age 9 and Gabe age 8)were able to get water here because the source was drying up (within a month it will be totally dry).  So those 3 began the climb back while the rest of us trekked to another source much farther away.  The walk was brutal… the sun was intense… the heat was severe and at an elevation of approx. 8000ft the air was thin.  This was brutal with EMPTY buckets!!!  Once our buckets were full we perched them on top of our heads and the realization set in immediately that getting them back was going to be a task like one we have never undertaken before.    Have you ever heard the saying “Uphill.. both ways”? Well in Guatemala that is very true.  The rocky mountainous terrain is full of ups and downs in every direction.  I myself began to pray immediately after I took one step with that bucket on my head.  “God help me with this… Im not going to be able to do this on my own… help me to not fail… give me strength”…  The pain in my neck and arms was so intense I cannot describe it.  You have to experience it.  Try it!  Fill a 5 gallon pail with water… perch it on your head… hold onto it with arms fully outstretched upward for balance and then go up and down a flight of stairs about 400 times.  Go, do it… I’ll wait…..  I mean it… Go!   Sound silly?  Well the women of Guatemala do this several times a day….

Think about how much water you use in a day… bathing… laundry… cooking… drinking… etc.  How many buckets would you need in a day for your family?  You see now why I was praying?  I refused to give up… I made it just over 1/2way back with the bucket on my head.  Some students made it less… some made it more… some hung back to encourage the others and this 40something mother of 3 and in the end some helped me and each other.   We all eventually made it to the village… less water in our buckets than when we began but we did it.   I was exhausted, sore, semi-defeated yet semi-elated that my asthma stricken body managed to make it back at all and I kept up with some of the others very well.  (*Note: People with Asthma here do not have the luxury of inhalers, they merely go slower).

It truly was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, no question… it was also the most humbling thing Ive ever done.  It provided clarity of what these women endure several times a day to get water that we totally take for granted.  It was also one of the most beautiful experiences of my life watching all of us and the co-op students encourage & help each other.  Faster ones came back down when they were finished to help those that were struggling… etc… We truly do share everything here, including each others burdens.

When we returned to the village I immediately looked for my youngest boys that had returned ahead of us & I was informed that Gabe had wandered off the path and was still on the mountain by himself, lost.  We had been gone 1 1/2hrs and the fear and panic that struck me at that moment was indescribable.   Zack, my 15yr old took off like a bullet and was down that mountain before most of us hit the gate.  Seeing my boys fight like brothers do… the harsh words they exchange all the time and yet when Zack heard his baby brother was lost on that mountain he was gone faster than Geoff and I.   I ran down as fast as I could calling out his name.  I turned and saw all the students running behind me spread out in a search pattern.  Before any of us even got to the bottom I heard Zack yell he had found him.  Relief washed over me then I saw them coming out of the jungle.  Zack was half carrying a sobbing, shaking Gabe.  I ran to him and he clung to me.  It seems he had searched the path up and down but then he had fallen down and was too upset, hurt & tired to go on. Miraculously he had fallen on the path where we could find him easily.    Its blurry now in my mind but I can tell you that coming around that gate and seeing the miles of jungle on that mountain I prayed like I have never prayed before.  My prayers were answered.  It breaks my heart to think of Gabe lying on that path scared, crying and alone but he is safe.  My boys learned a valuable lesson in listening to your parents instructions… All that I know is God was with us on that mountain.

I’ve saved the best for last… Today we took some time from our work day to do something awesome.  Luke and Gabe did a sort of fundraiser at their school (St. Mark, Beamsville).  They challenged the students to bring in 1 small toy, a hot wheels car, a small doll etc.   The students rose to the challenge and we paid for 3 extra large suitcases jam packed to fly here with us.  Today was the day we had the privilege to visit a village school and hand out toys.  We toured the school and the conditions are deplorable.  One of the classroom for 25 students is smaller than the JK/SK coat rooms I’ve seen.  The roof is slats so when it rains the kids get soaked.  It would take very little to build proper classrooms but there is simply no money.  Luke and Gabe were shocked and have decided that their new project will be to fundraise money and build a new classroom.  They felt awful seeing the kids in those conditions.

We set up the suitcases in the yard and the principal led the classes out one by one.  The children lined up and were so excited to see the white people handing out toys.  They were peeking around the corner as they waited grinning ear to ear.  It didnt matter what they got, they were so incredibly happy.  Everyone was laughing and having a great time.  I cried from the sheer enormity of it all… the joy and happiness was tangible.  A few of the students had stayed with our family to share in this experience.  It was beautiful.

I cannot help but reflect on the events of the past few days.  To be amazed at what God is doing here in all of us… how we are changing…   I admit I was afraid of the change.  Now I seem to be welcoming it, anticipating how life will be different for myself, Geoff and our boys once we get home.  I look at things differently already and I know that sometimes things wear off after a while, but I truly dont believe this experience will ever leave me.  Ive shed way too many tears in the past weeks to ever let it change back.  I think that now that my eyes have seen.. my ears have heard… and my body has felt some of what they do I have a responsiblility to be the change… even just one tiny speck of it.   I have a very funny feeling that my life is going to get a lot more inconvenient but for different reasons than before!

Well… today is Friday… The students are gone to put a roof on a home.  I have stayed behind to get this “school” routine started.  Im feeling a bit humbled because I cannot seem to access certain aspects of the periodic table in the archives of my mind. 

I have had no internet access before today (and today is pretty sketchy), and considering my thoughts are so all over the place, its not a bad thing.  Trying to process things in my mind is something Im struggling with big time.  This experience is both beautiful and hard.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done.  My family has served before… Katrina relief, Alaska etc.  but this is different.  Our first experience serving in a developing country.  This is different… this is brutal… this is REAL!   This is not some TV infomercial or a postcard with a picture and an address to send money… This is “NEED”….  NEED with big brown eyes staring at you… NEED with hands that wrap themselves around you and cling to you.

Ted took us all and the Co op students on a tour yesterday.  We had the privilege of meeting Sylvia and her daughter Jenny.  Sylvia is a single mom with several children the youngest of which (Jenny) has a serious brain condition.  She is such a sweet little girl full of smiles but she is quite ill and in need of an operation asap.  After that we saw Shelley who is epileptic.  Because her family could not afford medication to control her seizures when she was little she has been left brain damaged.  She is an amazingly beautiful young lady… simply stunning….  I heard words like sexual abuse being said… Watching her I immediately felt the tears come.  I thought of my own sister who like Shelly is epileptic.  Its such a controllable disease.  There is no reason on earth why this should happen.  Emotions coursed throught me…. Tears came harder, my voice cracked.  Ted looked at me and said quietly, “Rita, you havent seen anything yet”…  <sigh> at that moment I realized none of my previous experiences had prepared me for this. 

We also met with the leaders of the villages water council.  Some of these men had travelled hours and crazy distances by bus and on foot to be there for this short meeting.  The meeting began with these men praying for us… and thanking God for us…. One man had tears streaming down his face during that prayer.  The students were touched and some cried they were so humbled.   Just after the prayer 2 men left and a short time later we were startled by the sound of fireworks.  They set off round after round of fireworks to welcome us.   After the meeting they gave us 3 chickens and 3 cases of pop to thank us.   This is a cost to them that we cannot comprehend.  They most likely wont be eating chicken for at least a month as a result of our gift.  Quite frankly it is going to be difficult to eat those chickens knowing how high the cost to them was, but to not do so would be insulting so we will eat them out of respect. 

We made various other stops at villages, a school and various Wells of Hope projects that have been completed in years past.  Every stop children came running from everywhere, smiling, laughing and immediately surrounding us.  One little girl came to me and held my hand… she walked with me everywhere and when we stopped she simply clung to me like a child clings to her mother.  I cannot begin to describe how this child made me feel and if I even attempt to write it down I will be crying yet again & I’ll be unable to continue writing… emotions are running very high here. 

I cried four times yesterday (and for those of you that know me, I don not cry easily).  It was my first full day… I can already see changes in the co op students, in Dave, Alley and Nicole, in my family and in myself…. Subtle changes but changes none the less.  Im growing attached to the students.  I love talking with them and watching them.  I guess being involved in youth ministry makes me this way.  I love watching relationships form.  I know the youth trip to New Orleans last summer created bonds that will never be broken and we were only together for 10days.. these kids have 3 months!   I feel the pull to return here at the end of the program to see the changes in them first hand.  Im already praying for God to open a door to make our return possible. 

I took a break from writing just now… a time for a walk through the banana field to try to gather my scattered thoughts.  You know what I heard on my walk??  Laughter!   Thinking back to yesterday’s tour… the villages, the school… I heard tons of laughter.  It surrounds us…. its infectious… and glorious to hear.   It makes you laugh right along in its simplicity.   Its not the fake, forced, under the surface laughter of children back home.  Its the deep down, soul healing laughter.  It comes from the children… the poor ones… the ones that live in the mountains… the ones that live on the camp year round… the ones that live at the bottom of the hill here…. it literally surrounds us.  Funny thing is…. its infected my boys… Ive listened to them laugh like never before.   They have made friends with the Guatemalan kids here…. language is no barrier…. they share the common language of laughter!  You know the one… the universal language of laughter that signifies joy…  The language that exists in the simple things.  It knows no poverty, no stress, no junk.  We have too much junk!  We need to return to simplicity… to laughter.  I want to laugh more… I need to laugh more… like the children here do…. and they are slowly teaching me how….

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*NOTE:  Since I didnt get the internet up and running until late Friday night I decided to update you on something that happened today.

Have you ever seen or experienced something so shocking, so against the grain of what you imagine the world should look like that you cannot even begin to comprehend?  Something that literally hits you in the face to show you how broken our world actually is?   I had one today…

This afternoon Don took  Geoff, myself, the boys, Dave and Nicole out to the orphanage to visit with the kids and to check on the status of the roof.   After Geoff finished and we played with the girls (including the infamous Norma) for a while we were on our way.  We stopped at the market in Jalapa to get a snack for the ride home.   After that we were set to return to camp but Don said he really wanted us to see something before we left Jalapa.  After a short drive we were in a cemetary with above grade colourful crypts all decorated with paper flowers.  We thought this was what he wanted us to see… Little did we know….  We drove a bit further and just over the rise of the hill we saw it… A tent village of sorts complete with shanty’s, draped sheets, and lean to’s … right smack dab in the middle of the dump.   Children playing in the mountain of garbage… throwing it at each other… doing flips into it…. moms and other kids using their hands and hoes to sift through the garbage looking for treasures.    Huge pigs & dogs were everywhere scavenging right along side the people.  They live there and ran to the truck as soon as they spotted us hoping to be the first to claim whatever garbage we brought and see what treasure it held….  They looked truly disappointed when we told them we had nothing.     We sat in total silence watching this scene…. we put aside our snacks, too ashamed to eat them anymore.   No one spoke for a bit… and in that silence I head the strangest noise coming from outside the truck…. the children were laughing…….

Thanks so much to everyone for all your kind words, prayers and support…  Its such a blessing to have so many people that care about us!

Well yesterday was challenging… to say the least.  Having returned from the youth retreat I (and Dave, Alley & Zack) were all running on about 3hrs sleep Friday night… 4hrs Saturday and Zero on Sunday.  I figured I could sleep on planes and in the airport between connections.  Well apparently not haha….  Without bothering with every detail of our horrific day yesterday suffice it to say in summary… it sucked!  haha…   3 airports, 3 missed flights, 1 lost bag…. sleeping on the floor of various airports etc.   Crazy day…  It took us from 1am until 11pm last night to get to Atlanta but we truly felt awesome to actually get there.

There is something about travelling that brings out the best and worst in people.  Especially when there are problems.  Yesterday was awful and yet we made the best of it.  I am filled with a pride in my kids.  Wow, this could have been a disaster of epic proportions travelling with kids but they were patient, courteous and just all around great.  We all ran yesterday on no sleep and again Im struck with the feeling that it has brought the 7 of us together even closer than before.   I truly feel that this trip is going to be amazing beyond our wildest imaginations.

So… Im writing this from the floor of yet another airport… my flight to Guatemala city is boarding in 10 minutes.  We will be spending the day & night in Guatemala city while we wait for Ted and the Students to arrive tomorrow so we can all head to camp together.  Exciting!!!   Zack said something to me yesterday… after Delta airlines in Detroit had a computer glitch with our rebooked flight from Buffalo that made us miss yet another flight…. He said,  “Its like God is testing us to see just how bad we want this…. “….  You know what?  Yesterday watching Zack, my family, Dave, Alley and myself I realized…. we want this… and we want this, bad!    God Bless!

Well, the time has come… the bags are packed… the drive to the airport looms ahead…  I have just returned a couple hours ago from the Sr. Youth Winter retreat.   What I experienced there has not even begun to sink in yet and I am almost off on another adventure.

Youth… its what its all about to me… the future… the present… the now and the soon to be…  I did alot of watching and listening this weekend.  I watched … I payed attention… I opened myself up… and I was witness to real life miracles.   Youth… young adults… struggling… broken and so, soooo beautiful.   I cried alot this weekend.  Openly, in private and deep inside my soul.  Tears of joy, tears of sadness but mostly tears of hope…..   I held alot of broken youth while they cried this weekend… embracing and letting them know that I am no less broken myself… This is all a jouney we are on together.  A tough one when you choose the path we have…  the hard path.. but the one that is so worth it.

Youth… They laugh… they cry… they hide… as we all do… If people will just listen to them, they have so much to say.  So much to learn… so much to offer… so much to teach each other and us older generation.   All they want is to be heard… they dont even care if we understand… they just want to be heard… I am making it my top priority to listen… to them… to myself… to God….   I know this makes little sense… but I just am writing what I feel and Im still so raw… my emotions are running very close to the surface.  Chalk it up to perhaps being tired if you will… but I know its so much more than that.

Im off to spend 3 weeks with some amazing young people who have begun a journey with Wells of Hope… a co-op experience…. I feel so blessed to share this with them… and Im going to listen… alot… and Im hoping to be witness to some amazing things that God has in store for them… and for me…..