Yup, Im tearful again…. but not for the reasons that you think…. This time it is a joy so deep and so total that it has brought tears to my eyes.  I want you to go back, back with me to a time a few months ago when I wrote my blog entry “Twinkle, Twinkle, little star..” .  If you haven’t read it, then please go do so now if you have time, if not I will tell you it was by far the hardest thing I have ever written.  It was about a misunderstanding of epic proportions that was caused both by a language barrier and by humanness.  Estuardo was my boy.  My figurehead… he, for me, encompassed everything “Guatemala”.  He was the first boy I met at the Hospital and he changed my life forever.  He was so severely malnourished that his 17 year old body looked like that of an 8 year old, he was mentally challenged and unable to move, communicate etc etc.  All he could do was stare at the time I met him.  He shattered my heart.  He became a symbol to me of everything that was wrong and broken in this world.  And after being back in Canada for several months and not hearing any news on him, we returned to Guatemala.  I was thrilled to be back and looking forward to seeing “my boy”…. But my boy was “home”…. Home is quite the word…. it means different things, in different contexts.  This time it meant quite simply, as Mario put it…. dead.  The pain was intense, severe and overwhelming for me.  But looking back upon old journals, videos and my blog I know that “home” means quite simply…. ‘with Jesus’.   That IS the Good News!

The day I learned of Estuardo’s passing, my family and Rachel (a beautiful, then 15yr old girl from the youth group I lead) met another incredible young boy by the name of Marcos Cruz Cruz, nicknamed Marquito (little Marcos).  This boy touched us all but especially Rachel.  It was an emotional day for us all… I was crying with sorrow over Estuardo and we saw this little body in a crib.  The sight of Marquito is shocking to say the least.  I am putting a picture at the end of this post, but I must warn you, it is not easy to look at.  But I feel I need you to see with your own eyes… so you can understand with your heart.  Marquito captured our hearts…. but especially the heart of that amazing 15year old girl, Rachel….  Marquito is Rachel’s, Estuardo.  We all have an “Estuardo”… whether it be in Guatemala or Canada, or anywhere…. You know, the one person that touches us so deeply inside of ourselves that it basically turns our world upside down.  Some people have been fortunate enough to meet their Estuardo… some are still looking…. I feel very blessed to have found mine and sometimes when I get down or overwhelmed by things I can almost feel him cheering me on from Heaven!

Upon returning home, Rachel immediately went into action trying to raise money for a series of major operations that Marquito is in desperate need of.  You see, he is blind, has a very severe case of cleft palate and a myriad of internal problems.  She began selling homemade wallets and then decided to have a fundraiser, instead of a sweet 16 birthday party!  No gifts, just money raised for this precious 3yr old boy (who looks perhaps 9 months old), halfway across the world.  The rest of my youth group girls rallied around Rachel and her cause, as did the rest of the youth from our Church.  It was a beautiful thing to watch unfold and I have to say I am so proud of my girls, quite frankly they rock and I am so honoured to be their leader.  Rachel raised over $2000.00 toward the operations!  And was ready to wire the money immediately, but I hadn’t heard news from Guatemala yet on his condition so I called.  Fernando translating for me broke the news from Hermana Mercedes as gently as he could…. Marquito was gravely ill.  And the doctors were continuing to assess the worth and chance for success  on Marquito.  No operations right now.  I prepared myself to tell Rachel….

The reality of serving at a malnutrition hospital in Guatemala is they rehabilitate children… but sometimes the children are too far gone to be rehabilitated and they die.  Our humanity mourns for them but we continue to move forward.  I once a few months ago had someone remark to me after seeing pictures of Marquito, “You are seriously going to raise money and spend it on him?  If I donate, my money will go to that?  Why? He has no shot at a normal life.  Not to sound brutal but wouldn’t the money be better spent on someone with a better chance at a future?”   Im not sure if that is a common question…. or maybe its a common ‘thought’, that one feels so shameful thinking that its not often expressed.  Believe me, I understand that question.  My answer is simply, yes, we are going to spend the money on this child, and every other child like him that is put before us.  God made Marquito, and he is beautiful because of God.  It is not for us to decide whether his purpose on this earth is less worthy than that of another child.  Marquito laughs, cry’s and feels just like every other person on this planet.  What if this was your child?  Would you ask the same question?  He is a shining star, still on this earth just like Estuardo is a shining star now in Heaven and we are going to do what God commissioned us to do, help.  End of story!

The bottom line is that after months of praying, hoping, wishing and praying more we got a special letter from Hermana Mercedes last night that has me all teary, ever since reading it…. It’s about Marquito’s condition…. He is on medication right now to prepare him for his first surgery!!!!  Praise God, its going to happen… He is going to get the surgeries he needs.  The outcome is unknown, as is Marquito’s future… that is up to God…. whats up to us, our partners, and the people who inhabit this planet is to see that we give the Marquito’s, Estuardo’s, and all the others like them the same chance as we have to shine.  This is where the money we raise goes, every penny, and we will never apologize for that, in fact we will shout it from the rooftops if we think it can help save one little precious child….. Who know’s what their purpose is on this planet… it’s not for us to say, and its certainly not for us to pick and choose who we help… All we do is help and for us its a big part of the Good News!

My shining star Estuardo.... Godspeed little one...

Precious little Marquito

Our family & Hermana Mercedes, Hermana Veronica & Elmer at the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro

Our family with the Hermana's enjoying dinner at Senor Chico, Senora Vilma & Fernando's home

Our family & Rachel serving in the mountains, having a blast with the kids!

Our group in Texas- The CTEN staff missionaries and other missionaries serving all over the world!

Greetings everyone!  It’s been a while and I’ve missed writing my blog.. mainly because I miss being in Guatemala and that is normally when I write.  I have decided,  since our ministry in Guatemala evolved into a full time ministry (even though we are not physically there full time…. yet) I am going to write… yes, even from Canada!  Having Fernando and his parents Senor Chico and Senora Vilma working in Guatemala on our behalf with the Hermana’s has been a gift from God.  We are able to run our ministry from here, via skype, email, phone etc., and they are on the ground serving tirelessly in Guatemala in partnership with us and our ministry!

Lots of things have been falling into place for us lately.  I have returned to University to get my degree in Nutritional Medicine.  Eventually I want to focus on pediatric malnutrition and allergies.  If you have been following my blog, you may remember a post around 16 months ago that totally reflected this desire.  Now here I am doing it, finally!  I have wanted this, long before Guatemala… 16 years ago when my son Zack was diagnosed with life threatening food allergies…. and now I see how this was all part of a plan formulated long ago.  Something I never understood the ‘why’ of is so clear to me now.  Well, I never was much for believing in coincidences anyway…. =)

The most exciting news is….. We have been accepted into Commission to Every Nation (CTEN).  A non-profit organization that helps independent missionaries, with unique visions to be just that, independent missionaries with unique visions!  Through CTEN we will get support… through prayer, tax receipts for donors, availability to set up one time and monthly recurring donations, personal support, ministry support, connections with other missionaries…. well you get the idea… they SUPPORT us in every way imaginable and for that we are thankful.  We recently spent a few days in Texas at the CTEN headquarters for some training/orientation.  The experience was beyond words.  I was at a point in my life where I was becoming overwhelmed and disheartened with our mission… it all seemed so beyond the scope of what we, a mere family, could do.  The wonderful missionaries at CTEN renewed my spirit and my faith that “if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us… and if our God is with us, then what could stand against…”.  Geoff and I left CTEN, re-energized and on fire again… sadly it was a quality we had begun to lack due to so many obstacles we simply could not get past.

Finally we understand that it is God’s job to do a vast majority of our ministry, especially when it comes to working in people’s hearts.  As a wonderful missionary Wes Peterson from CTEN, put it, our job is to Tell People & to Love People.  So simple and yet something that Geoff and I, being guilty of pride, never really understood.  We thought that God had put a desire on our hearts and it was up to us to do everything.  And sadly we thought we could do everything, and were struggling like you couldn’t imagine.  How crazy… and thinking about it, its no wonder we were disheartened and feeling overwhelmed… We can never do God’s job!

There is so much still up in the air in our lives.  We plan to go to Guatemala for 4-5 months this winter.  The Hermana’s and Fernando’s family have invited us for Christmas.  We will be definitely going, we wouldn’t miss that for the world.  If it was up to me (and Geoff), I know we would go and not come back to Canada.  However, things seem to be strangely out of place and it seems to us right now that its not the right time yet.  It is what we want but all the signs point to us going for 5 months, coming back and being patient.  Its as though God is saying, “the time is not yet… be patient….”.   Patience is a virtue, but unfortunately its not one that is high on my strengths list.  I am impatient… I am a do-er… not a wait-er.  But I am learning…. slowly <sigh>.  The not knowing is the hardest part for me.  We don’t know when we will be led to live in Guatemala full time… we don’t know whats to become of our lives and our business here…. we don’t know how our fundraising efforts will turn out…. we don’t know much, and being in a sort of not-knowing limbo is personally quite frustrating for me at times. To be blunt, I am freaking out at times.   Besides being impatient, I am a control freak.  I need to know things, even little things.  As a matter of fact I drive Geoff nutty because I need to know exactly what time he will be home on a certain day.  Even when it really doesn’t matter, I just simply need to know.  Once again, I am learning…. slowly <sigh>…

One thing I do know is that working for CTEN is the perfect fit for us.  The benefits to our vision will be immense.  I am so excited for the future and despite myself and my shortcomings, I am actually finding myself enjoying the excitement of not knowing what wonderful thing God is going to surprise us with next!

I have used the word vision a ton in this blog…. I guess it might be wise to let you know what that is.  It’s basically a statement that has been changed and formed over the past year.  What we hope to accomplish… the mission that has been placed in our hearts so to speak.  If you’ve read the previous blogs you will see it… subtly shining through each post until finally,  we have been able to put it into words in one statement:

Our vision is two-fold.  To help abolish malnourishment beginning in the Jutiapa & Jalapa regions through agricultural education & training AND to help educate and empower the next generation of youth & young adults in Canada to develop their hearts and minds for service in developing countries.

There it is… in a nice neat few lines…. seems simple enough.  After all, Geoff is able to fix, repair, build etc to get the hospital up to par.  I am studying nutrition… and we both are heavily involved in youth and young adult ministry here in Canada…. Simple.  And yet, with just our family it is impossible to achieve.  We need God, and we need CTEN, and we need supporters (financial, prayer, volunteers etc).  Ordinary people can achieve the extraordinary when they partner together.  There is great strength in numbers!!!

So yes, we will be asking people for financial support… Either a special gift or especially a recurring monthly partnership.  If we happen to ask, and it is not on your heart to donate, that is totally ok.  Prayer is the most important part so we simply ask that you pray for us, our ministry, the people of Guatemala and other missionaries and the people they serve around the world.  Volunteering is crucial too.  Without people on the ground working, it is all for nothing.  Fundraising is key but it is not easy and is for us, the hardest part.  It seems to feel as though you are bugging people.  But as we heard someone say recently, “Everything we have belongs to God anyway, so its ok to ask people to give some back to Him.  He will lead them and their hearts to do what He wants them to do and if its not with you and your ministry that is totally fine, He has other plans for them”.   What a great inspiration this was to us.  Now we feel we can ask people and know that it’s in God’s hands, not ours.  We will however work tirelessly to try and raise volunteers and money to help see the vision we have on our hearts come to fruition.  We feel it is our obligation and one of the many facets of what we have to do to see His kingdom come, His will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven….

Check us out at :  http://www.ctenc.ca/ritadoppenberg/

Email me for further information at:  ritadoppenberg@cten.org

Dios los Bendiga

Here I am again… I am home and its time to write the rest of my blog. I sincerely wish that I could bring each and every person who takes the time to read my thoughts down to Guatemala…. words simply don’t do any of it justice… but for now this will have to do.

I have a question… What does the word 200 mean to you? Is it a large number? A small one? In our North American society 200 isn’t necessarily a large number especially in terms of money, or people. If I were to say I’d give you $200.00, it really wouldn’t mean much…. What is that, a dinner at the Keg? If I said that there were 200 people at an event that number would seem kinda small…. But how about if I were to tell you that the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro rehabilitated 200 children last year? Children that would have otherwise died…. that number takes on a whole new meaning doesn’t it?! Want to know something else… if they had more money they could have helped more. Many, many more… Children have died because they simply did not have the money to help… How’s that for perspective?

To give you some background here on Hermana Mercedes and the Hospital that we found out during our 3 hour meeting with them…. I feel its necessary for you to know….

Sister Hermana Mercedes is from Nicaragua. She studied medicine in Spain. Padre Pedro Martinez Cano wrote her a letter 28 years ago during her time in Spain asking her if she would come to Guatemala to aid him in helping children that were dying from Malnutrition in rapid numbers during the civil war in Guatemala in the early 80’s. After much prayer Hermana Mercedes decided to come but by the time she arrived in Guatemala Padre Pedro was dead. Someone did something to the car he was driving and he died in a crash. He was murdered by the very nation he devoted his life to helping. Radicals simply did not want certain Guatemalteco’s to live and multiply. Hermana Mercedes decided to carry on the Padre’s work. Someone donated the land that now houses the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro to Hermana Mercedes to set up. At first it was just her and people began dropping children off in startling numbers. Imagine you, JUST YOU, looking after 40 dying children. What would that look like? Sleep was not an option and she tirelessly worked to save lives.

A few days after our meeting we met and drove with the sisters from the Hospital to the mountains of Jutiapa. It was a trecherous drive uphill that took just under 1 hour. Hermana Mercedes explained that back in the first days she would walk that distance several times a week (she could not afford a car nor a horse) to visit and nurse the people up there that were too sick to make the trip themselves. We were all stunned because I can only imagine making that walk. It must have taken her most of the day and she had much work to do after that exhausting walk! We were tired and worn out just from the last bit of the trip that we had to climb on foot once the road became impassable by car!!! After some time of doing this, word got out and gradually other sisters came to help and her new Order was formed. They are lead by her and she trains them. Hermana Mercedes has a Masters of Medicine and is filled with a spirit that I can only stand back from afar and admire with all my heart and soul.

Our trip up that mountain was amazing. We met the first family that Hermana Mercedes met 28 years ago on her walks up there. They were such a wonderful family. We presented the eldest woman there, the Abuela (grandmother) with a blanket and some hats that Geoff’s mom made. They were so thankful. Then it was off to visit a family that Hermana Mercedes hoped we could help. Up we climbed with little barefoot children following us. We could hear them giggling from the trees that lined our path. One look at this family and their home and Geoff and I began talking. Within a few minutes of talking with this family and Hermana Mercedes Geoff was digging in his pockets to give money to help. We paid for the bricks to finish building an adobe home that the man had begun to house him, his wife and their 7 children. If this home is not completed before the rains come all his hard work will be simply washed away in the mud. We also promised to return later that day with the lamina roofing he needed. The house must have a roof asap because an earthquake earlier in the week (we did not feel it but they are common almost daily occurances in Guate) already bowed the walls terribly. It was an incredible trip… Upon walking further down the path to visit some others we heard yelling behind us. It was the family running toward us holding a big pot, cups and a bag. They had made us coffee and brought us sweetbreads. It was such a touching moment standing on that path drinking with them and eating knowing the effort it took them to climb and run to us and the fact that they were sharing with us something that is life to them. They sell the coffee and it is their only means of money. I normally do not drink coffee but I will tell you I did drink this and it was the best thing I have ever had because I knew the love and respect that went into making it for us. Being here was such an honour.

After our visit up the mountain we had a quick lunch that the Hermana’s prepared for us. Then it was back up the mountain to deliver the lamina roofing. This day was truly incredible for my family and it simply solidified our feeling that we are being called to the El Progresso/ Jutiapa area even more. The help they need both on that mountain and at the Nutrition Hospital is so evident to us. Things here have fallen so in to place that I truly believe this is where we are supposed to be. To put it into perspective…. Some of the nuns work, cooking and cleaning outside the hospital and the money they make gets put back into the Order for the running of the hospital. But it is not much money. El Progreso hosts a run annually… similar to the Terry Fox run that happens here. Last year they raised $11,000.00 Quetzals… That is just over $1000.00 dollars…. Local boys bring $500.00 Q every month…. Monsignor Julio from Jalapa has provided $25,000.00 Q twice in the last 8 years for milk… These amounts are quite frankly insane they are so low. They saved the lives of 200 children last year and the cost for this is staggering. Medicines, food, and other provisions cost money and they have none! Children like little Marcos Cruz Cruz that are there right now, wait for operations that require large sums of money… One look at the precious faces of these children and you cannot help but cry for them. Things should be easier… they should be automatic… If Marcos needs an operation for cleft palate it should be done, period! Unfortunately that is not how the world works and the Hermana’s accept that and wait patiently and pray. They are severely in debt and we feel that we need to help. Put simply if the Order had more money they could save more children…. I personally want to help get that number of 200 raised much, much higher and my family and I are making it our mission in life to do so! Wouldn’t it be something to read this blog next year and see that number higher? Into the thousands some day perhaps?

We left that meeting with the Hermana’s with a list. A very long list of things that they desperately need. Things like a 4×4 SUV to get them up into the remote mountain areas to transport the sick & dying children back to the hospital…. Building renovations… roofing… food…. medicine…. money for operations for children that need it…. Its a huge list and quite frankly a bit overwhelming…. The Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro has other costs as well….many of the costs were things we never thought of. Some of the children who are rehabilitated decide to join the Order… also some new nuns come simply because they want to be a part of this incredible thing. These nuns need to study. It costs $500.00 each for the nuns to study the necessary theology. Also they have several nuns studying medicine. As Hermana Mercedes puts it, this is necessary if they want to continue once she is gone. They need additonal Hermana’s to be able to practice medicine! Leaving it all up to Hermana Mercedes with her other duties is simply not possible anymore as she gets older. Plus they are hoping to treat more children. Just like anywhere else in the world the study of Medicine is VERY expensive…. Right now like everyone else who studies the Hermana’s are running on loans. Loans are a common thing here…. loans for study, loans for food, loans for medicines, loans for refrigerators, loans for everything. Sometimes there simply aren’t any more loans… so there is no food…. so the kids eat but the Hermana’s do not. How is that ok? Imagine yourself under the care of a doctor that hasn’t eaten nor slept in 3 days? Would you be getting the best care? Would this concern you at all. You better believe it would! Not acceptable. There is so much about this that is not acceptable it shakes me to my core.

Hermana Mercedes explains through a grin that sometimes she has bought things with no idea how she would pay for them… she would simply pray as she walked into a store… She laughs as she tells of a time she walked out of a store with no idea how she would pay for the new fridge that was being loaded into her truck so she just smiled and continued to pray (FYI she still owes that store $16,000 Quetzals). Just a few months ago she said she was praying because the situation was becoming desperate…. then we walked through the gates. In her heart, she believes God sent us to her. Real people, bringing real hope. She said she and the other Hermana’s thank God every day for the people of Canada who gave money so that our team could come and help them. It never fails to amaze me how much the people of Guatemala feel for us. I come home and I feel terrible that I cannot do more… I am so humbled by this experience. It has changed me to my core so much for the better. It has changed who I am as a wife… as a mother… as a human being. I think the people around me sense it… see it.. and truly sometimes I think some people avoid me because of it for some unknown reason. But for me, words cannot describe how thankful I am for them and what they have done for ME and for my FAMILY!

Things stand in our way… politics, money, school, work and other obligations are at times less than accomodating to the work we wish to do in Guatemala. We have decided that nothing is going to stand in our way. We have pledged our support to the Hermana’s for many years to come and we have no intention on going back on that promise. To us Doppenberg’s a promise is something that can never be undone. We talked on the way home as a family about this promise and our entire family agrees that this is something that we MUST do. We will fundraise and continue to sacrifice ourselves to make that number of 200 grow each and every year. All I can ask is that you who are reading this help us… if not financially then through prayer and support. There is strength in numbers, that is for sure… Guatemalteco’s live by that… and it works beautifully… and I know it can for us as well. I know that God brought us to Ted and Wells of Hope so through him we could be brought to this place… I know that God put Fernando and his amazing family in our path so our work in a different area than Jalapa would be possible…. I know that God put the feeling into the hearts of each and every person that prayed, donated or accompanied us on our trip to help… I know that God will continue to help us in our future endeavours in Guatemala. As one of my favorite songs says: “And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us… and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?…..” I know this in my heart and it gives me peace…. May Peace be with you as well….

Until next time….Dios le bendiga… (God bless you all).

Well here we are again…. Guatemala for the fourth time in 14 months. I am beginning to get the feeling that we like it here haha… This trip is not for work and for that I am thankful. We have spent so much time in this country and have seen very little of it and have not had the opportunity to be immersed in the culture at all. Last time we were here we spent most of our time in the town of El Progreso working at the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro and we had the fortunate blessing of meeting Fernando. Fernando speaks english and welcomed us to his family home to meet his parents Senor Chico and Senora Vilma.

This time we checked into a hotel in El Progreso and went straight to Fernando’s family home. They welcomed us with open arms and hearts and this was the beginning of one of the best weeks of my life. Fernando took the entire week off work in order to be our escort and help us with the language barrier and to show us Guatemala and its culture. The purpose of this trip for us was multi-faceted…. Firstly we wanted to meet with Hermana Mercedes at the Hospital and get information on the hospital, how it runs and what urgent needs they have so we can begin our fundraising effort back home for our visit next year. Secondly we wanted to look at property so we can build a home here. The camp in Jalapa is simply too far away to suit our needs now since we feel called to serve here in El Progreso & Jutiapa. Thirdly we simply wanted to see some of Guatemala and as I said the culture here. Staying at camp in Jalapa still retains a “Canadian” feel to it and we really wanted to live as Guatemalteco’s (Guatemalan’s) for a while.

Throughout these 8 days we managed to realize all 3 of our goals and so much more!

Upon arriving at Fernando’s home we were treated to a traditional meal that was delicious! Senora Vilma made so many efforts to keep us safe in regards to food and her cooking. Her efforts paid off, and for that we are extremely grateful! In the entire week, no one got sick! And believe me, based on some of the ‘traditional’ things we ate this is nothing short of a miracle! Some of what we ate I can honestly say, I cannot believe we ate it hahahaha… some of which we liked, some of which made us almost gag but we tried our best to muddle through the tough times and eat it. Overall it was fantastic food and we felt so honoured that they welcomed us to share meals with them. We spent a great deal of time at Senor Chico’s home and ate many, many meals there. In Guatemalateco culture it is quite rare to be invited to someones home, especially for meals and it is an honour to be invited at all. Words cannot express the gratitude my family felt for being so included in this community. And they truly live as a community. If someone has a good day fishing, everyone partakes… if someone kills a cow, everyone partakes… Everyone helps, and everyone eats. If someone is ill, everyone prays and helps…. if someone’s roof leaks, everyone cleans the mess and helps fix the roof…. Get the picture? We have so much to learn from this culture… we need to return back to basic’s like this and take care of each other 1/2 as well as they do!!!

Our first day, Fernando told us that in the morning he was going to butcher a cow and a chicken so we could eat and then his family would sell the meat at very low prices to help feed his village. We had no idea what was in store for us in the morning.

We arrived at Fernando’s and off we went to pick up the cow in a nearby village. We had to walk the many mountainous acres looking for the grazing cow. A local ‘cowboy’ came with us because he is an expert in roping a cow. It took nearly no time at all and we were on our way back with the cow in the back of the man’s truck. After arriving back at Fernando’s there was a crowd of people there… within minutes they had the cow tied and the town butcher had the cow dead, right there on the front lawn…. To say we were shocked by this whole process would be quite the understatement. Next thing we knew they were skinning… cutting… etc etc etc… The women were wrapping the meat that was to be for sale. They waste nothing… and I mean nothing… even the stomach contents are emptied and taken away for fertilizer… hooves are put on the fire to burn away the outside and then boiled for soup…. Its truly the grossest (if thats even a word) and yet so incredible thing I’ve ever seen. The entire process took under 3 hours and the cow was simply gone… every single piece of it! They cut off the horns and put some kind of curing salt/calcium on the fleshy top and put it on the roof to dry… it is a gift meant for us and will be ready for us to take home next time we come. It was an honour to witness this and be included… and the gift of the horns is a sign of their love and respect for us.

Our kids were then invited to kill a chicken for us to eat for lunch…. Thus ensued the most crazy thing I have ever seen… I watched my 10 year old son kill a chicken with Senora Vilma’s help (no one else was willing to try haha). To actually understand how much these animals mean to this family… being their only source of food… its quite humbling…. As I said, Fernando’s family uses everything they have to help the poor in their village… they sell things for what people can afford to pay and if they cannot afford to pay then they are given what they need and someday they know those people will repay them at times they themselves are in need.

Throughout the week we tried to help Senoa Vilma cook, clean etc, as much as we could but she basically would not let us lift a finger. She served us as though we were royalty. This simply is the Guatemalteco way. To help her is insulting to her in this culture. The only time she ever let me do anything was to help her make the day’s tortilla’s that are eaten at every meal. Zack, Luke and Gabe helped her too. We stood in the kitchen and laughed until we cried because what would take her 3 seconds took us a minute and she still had to fix them and make them right. It was so much fun and I have to tell you, Senora Vilma loves to laugh. She laughs all the time and her joy is so contagious… I love her and it has made my desire to learn Spanish better all the stronger so I can communicate with her without Fernando always having to translate. In that matter I do have to say that I have learned more Spanish in my 8 days here than I have in my past 6 months of school. Fernando is so patient, as is everyone and they are teaching me the most useful Spanish I would learn no where else but here!

Later in the week Fernando and Senora Vilma took us to Esquipulas. It is a beautiful city about a 2 hour drive through some of the most breathtaking scenery I have ever witnessed in my many travels around the world. There is a 400+ year old Basillica of the black Christ. The statue of the black Christ was carved from a type of black wood and brought here from Spain over 400 years ago. People come from all over Latin America and the world to light a candle and say a prayer at the foot of the statue. When you have finished your prayer you walk backwards away from the statue as a sign of respect that Christ never turns His back on man so man should never turn his back on Christ. Its such a beautiful tradition and we all felt the solemn honour to have participated in this with the countless others that were there to pay respect. On the walkway leading to the statue there are these huge beautiful pieces of art, almost like mosaic’s made with tiny gold charms… each charm represents something that someone has received as a miracle after visiting the Basillica. There are hundreds of thousands of these charms… feet, hands, bodies, people’s loved ones coming to Christ etc etc etc.. the list goes on. We were all fascinated by these mosaics… humbled by the sheer multitude of miracles that these people have received. Perhaps in order to receive a miracle, one must simply have the faith that Christ can do anything…. Perhaps that is something that we sometimes tend to miss in our culture…. Are we too busy to see the miracles that happen every day? hmmmmmm……

Fernando also took us to look at property back in his village later in the week and after an exhausting day I will tell you that we do have one in mind now. It is about a 10 minute drive from Fernando’s house through a narrow road that is cobblestone in places and just a mess in others hahaha. Four wheel drive would be a bonus in most places here. The property itself sits up on a hillside/cliff of sorts and is quite beautiful with palm trees and a huge mango tree just down the cliff. On one side is a breathtaking view of the main mountain in El Progreso. This mountain is huge and it is widely believed here that by looking at it you can predict the weather. If the mountain has a cloud on top that does not move, it hovers, then the winds will come. Trust me when I tell you, we’ve spent enough time here to tell you that is 100% accurate! Our family has spent much time staring at this mountain and we all think it is one of the most beautiful things we have ever seen…. On the other side of the property there is a view of the valley and mountains on the horizon. The view is breathtaking and we could certainly see us enjoying living there while we serve. We have taken many pictures of this property and will take them home and think and pray. If God wants it to be, then it will be. We will begin saving money and if it is still available once we have enough saved then I believe it will happen… We shall see….

It’s strange, I feel that our story of Guatemala already has so many chapters and yet in so many ways it is just beginning…..So much more has happened on this trip… the most important being our meeting with Hermana Mercedes and the other sisters at the Hospital and our visit to the mountain villages of Jutiapa with them, but I am out of time and space so I shall say…..To be continued very soon, there is much more to tell….. stay tuned!

Well I guess I need to begin with an apology… I know many of my friends and family are quite frustrated with the lack of blogging from Guatemala… and for that I am sorry. I cannot however be sorry for the reason why there was the silence… lets just say that sheer exhaustion took over. My family and everyone in our group worked so hard to get everything done in the timeframe we had. That meant long days… most meals were grabbed on the way home at night from the Nutrition Centre and once we got back we would hang out for a little while and then one by one trickle off to bed. I think the latest I stayed up was just after 11pm once. Most nights it was crash by 9pm. The drive from camp to El Progresso was just over an hour one way and that took a toll on all of us as well. Keep in mind the roads are rough, winding and with many changes in elevation. Guatemala sure puts the human body through its paces… well perhaps its more doing Guatemala Doppenberg style that has a bit to do with it lol.

Hmmm where to begin? How about one more apology… this is 1 month worth of blogs in 1 so it may be pretty long… Read it in shifts if you must haha…Well last you heard I had said my painful mental goodbye to Estuardo from the Malnutrition Hospital. I have to tell you, there is much more to this story… Its funny, in one of our many evening conversations at camp our eldest son Zack said: “I don’t really go to youth at the church anymore, I find it sort of lame for me… I don’t feel God there like everyone else seems to…. I feel God here in Guatemala… Its where I know He is for me.”…. In so many ways, I agree with him. I get very overwhelmed by life here at home and bogged down in such un-necessary worries etc that, if I am honest, I go through the motions of faith a very large part of the time. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am dead inside until I get to a place like Guatemala and even though life is busy with doing our work there, we are very aware of God and how He is working in our lives. It all just seems more obvious… Anyway, a couple of days after our sad visit to the hospital we went to Yolanda’s village. Rachel had brought some toys etc she wanted to give away and if you’ve followed my blog for our last trip you know that Yolanda’s village is my version of Disney World. Kids of all ages rush to you and they are all happy and so thankful to have visitors. As soon as we got there I recognized so many faces from last year. They recognized us as well. What began as 10 kids quickly multiplied into 40 +. Within seconds the kids were climbing on us, hugging us, grabbing our hands to take us to see friends and family members etc. One little girl who I recognized from my favourite profile picture came up to me and hugged me. It was an awkward hug because she had a bundle in her arms. That bundle was a tiny baby. I asked her how old this precious little baby was and she said he was uno mes (one month)…. She put him into my arms and I couldn’t help but already love this tiny little sleeping baby. I asked her what his name was…. when she told me I was so taken aback I had to ask her to repeat it. I repeated it back to her just to be sure I wasn’t crazy. His name was Estuardo…. born around the exact same time that my Estuardo passed away. Instantly my eyes filled with tears…. A feeling of happiness came over me…. I had been quite sad inside and been overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness after finding out my Estuardo passed away and instantly that was gone. God gave me a gift in that moment. The gift of Hope. I quietly whispered to Geoff that the baby’s name was Estuardo… Geoff was shocked in his own way… I looked across the yard to see Rachel and the others being mobbed by kids. Rachel and I locked eyes and she came toward me. As soon as I told her this little miracles name she too was shocked in a good way. Everyone knew that this was totally God showing Himself to me so I would have renewed hope. It’s these moments more than any that are the reason I love Guatemala so much.

The next weeks work wise were fairly much the same day in, day out. We were joined by Dave, Sarah and Jenn just under a week into our trip. The day after they arrived we began our intense work schedule, having used the week prior to their arrival to set up everything and get materials ordered. The first few days were devoted to going up the mountain to deliver bricks so Martin (the builder) could begin construction on the adobe mud brick home we were building for Mynor and his family. Mynor’s daughter Lisbia we met last year has undergone 1 of the 2 operations to fix a cleft palate and we hope she gets the other operation soon! Within a few hours of beginning to carry those adobe bricks (which I will say, I had forgotten how much I despise carrying those heavy, awkward things), I put one down in an area and I must have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time because I didn’t notice the ones behind were falling like dominoes…. I may not have seen it coming, but I sure felt it when it crushed my knuckle. When I looked at my hand at first I was kind of shocked. Zack was beside me and he screamed to Geoff that he was pretty sure “mom just broke her knuckles”. The blood and swelling made it look much worse than it actually was and although I was out of commission for the rest of the afternoon as far as carrying was concerned I was fine the next day. It hurt still… and kind of still does at times but overall it was a near miss! Whew!

After Martin had all the bricks he needed we were off to El Progresso and to our work on the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro. Day in and day out there we painted, replaced roofs and remodelled a bathroom. Frank and Laurie from Southridge and Ryan & Pete from Toronto joined our team a few days into work there and were truly a Godsend! Frank worked so hard on that bathroom that had he not been there Im sure the work in there wouldn’t have gotten done in time. Laurie truly was our painting superstar and truly showed how awesome she is by volunteering to paint the Rojo Oxido, which was a terrible, pudding consistency red paint that was used for bottom trim and a multitude of metal bars that were tedious beyond your wildest imagination. All of us harboured a special hatred for that red paint…. and I truly am surprised we survived that experience ahahaha. The building, the windows, the bars, the gates all did get painted and it truly looks fantastic even considering none of us are professionals! Ryan, Peter, Geoff and Zack set out to work on replacing the 2 roofs that we raised money for. So many more roofs need to be replaced there but this was a great start! One roof was a huge undertaking because large heavy panels of asbestos needed to be removed and then metal panels put on it its place. The metal roof panels in Guatemala are much thinner than here and just as the guys began to work with it, out of no where the wind began. It made doing the roofing very dangerous not only because of gusts on the roof making life hazardous but also because if the wind caught one of those panels it would act like a razor blade and slice any exposed skin to ribbons. Ryan was the first victim and gashed himself pretty badly. I have to send a shout out to Pete and Ryan… truly our roofing superstars as well… Game ball for roofing goes to you guys! There were issues, problems and fatigue throughout the weeks… It all got done though… the roofs are done…. and the painting is done. We called in reinforcements in the form of Ed and Andy from another team to join us one day because the plumbing and electrical at the nutrition hospital was a total Guatemalan nightmare. They did an amazing job figuring it all out for us in the 1 day they were there and we were able to continue and complete the bathroom on the very last day there. Just under the wire but we did it! Funny part was having Hermana Veronica leading me around by the hand showing me other things that needed to be done as if we would never return. The poor woman doesn’t understand out commitment… I assured her that we would return next year and the year after, and the year after etc etc haha. Hermana Mercedes and all the sisters were very pleased with everything we did and are compiling a list for next time! Thanks to everyone who helped and donated money…. thanks to all of you, the hospital has a functional bathroom for bathing babies now, 2 new roofs to keep those kids and sisters healthy and dry…. and a like new building that is bright and will help promote hope and healing for the families and children at the hospital!

I’m going to take a little time now and tell you about another couple of miracles that occurred for us in our time in Guatemala. You see, I took Phase 1 Spanish at Niagara College before our trip. Phase 1 provides you with a very minimal base of the language… It does not prepare you to talk with anyone lol. You can order a drink in a restaurant but not drywall at a bodega. We were lost, confused and generally in some serious trouble. That’s when God stepped in and sent Geoff to a paint store. In that paint store as Geoff struggled, God sent Fernando out of the back room…. Fernando speaks amazing english and as they say, the rest is history. Fernando lived in an English speaking country for years and returned home to help his retired parents. We formed a very strong friendship with Fernando… we went out for dinners with him… he took us to his home and we met his parents and quite quickly became like family to us. His amazing mother made a traditional meal of Guatemalan tamales (which just happen to be my favourite food after trying them for the first time last year), which are not easy to make and are therefore saved for very special occasions like Christmas etc. What an awesome time we had with Fernando and his family. We rode horses, talked, toured and laughed for hours. It truly was a time all of us will cherish in our memories and hearts forever! I know in my heart that we have made lifelong friends now in Guatemala and we will be heading back to visit them asap.

Now, the best part of all…. Last year there was a family that lived at camp… Mynor, Vicenta, Dinora (Claudia), Mainitor, Moso, Lusvin and Jose David. Im sure you have seen my pictures of my boys with their kids. They played and our families truly cared for one another. Claudia would greet us every morning with a smile and a hug… some of our team and family worked with her helping her to learn English. Our boys and their boys played and laughed so much together despite the language barrier. Truly it was an honour to get to know them. Sometime after our last visit the family left camp and moved to Jalapa. Everyone from camp lost touch with them. When we arrived this time our first question to Mario and his family (the new family that lives at camp) was if anyone knew where Mynor and his family had moved. No one knew. Our boys (and quite frankly us) were devastated. It became our personal mission to find the family. One Saturday afternoon we drove around Jalapa for hours searching and searching but to no avail. Jalapa is not a huge city but it is still pretty large and trying to find a few people is comparable to the proverbial needle in a haystack. Geoff and I resigned ourselves that this family was lost to us… That Monday morning Geoff and Zack had to go into Jalapa to order wood needed for the house that was being built up in the mountain (which by the way is being built for a different Mynor). Zack and Geoff were talking and all of a sudden out of the corner of his eye Zack spotted the Mynor we had been looking for! He screamed for Geoff to pull over and apparently the reunion was the stuff of movies! Just when we had given up, God put Mynor and our van on some random street in Jalapa…. as if to say…. Never, EVER give up Hope! Have I not shown you before what I can do?

Later that day we set out to visit the family. Me and the little guys couldn’t wait to see them! When we got there it was like a reunion of best friends that hadn’t seen each other in years. Claudia for me was the most special. As it turned out it was her 13th birthday and when she saw me she threw herself into my arms and didn’t let go for a very long time. Once my tear filled eyes dried enough to look around I was astounded by the living conditions this family had to endure. There was 1 room with several beds and a few blankets… then a kitchen/living area that only had 1/2 a roof on it. The rest was totally open to the elements! It became obvious to me that this was an old workshop of sorts that was now being rented as a home. To be totally honest, the adobe mud brick huts up in the mountain are better then this!!! In as gentle a way as possible without hurting Mynor’s pride we asked him if we could help him in some way. He was totally receptive to the idea, and I thank God for that. I could not sleep at night knowing that this family was living like that… we knew we had to do something! Claudia chatted on in Spanish and even though I could only catch a few words per sentence I figured out enough that she was ready to attend school taking some courses equivalent to our ‘college’ for computers so she could get a job. She asked if we could help her get her computer working so she could go. She brought out the computer and it was the largest, clunkiest, oldest computer I had seen… (and trust me, I learned on a commodore 64… no windows, only dos). I told her that there was no way that was going to get fixed… not by us anyway… I felt awful. When we left Mynor’s home I cried yet again. I didn’t understand how any of the stuff I have seen in Guatemala is fair. We have so much… others have so little… I simply don’t understand the world and how it spins sometimes so wildly out of sync. For the next weeks, we visited Mynor and his family several times. Each time we brought lamina to help close in his roof… blankets for the children to be warm at night… money from us to fix his motorcycle so he can work….metal to build a chimney so his stove smoke won’t choke the baby…. food…. prayers, hugs, support and encouragement!

During our last week we decided to talk to our team…. What did they think about putting some money together to buy Claudia a new laptop? Fernando, our new friend had done some searching and found a small mini laptop for $250.00 USD. Everyone without question was in. Everyone understood that if Claudia gets a useful education she can get a good job and help support her family. That is the goal of every family in Guatemala… do whatever it takes to take care of each other because family is everything! It truly is a blessing to watch unfold. That night, we all piled in the truck… all our team and Ed and Andy from the other team and headed to Mynor’s. Once inside I had the privilege of presenting Claudia with a note, handwritten in English… signed by everyone… translated into Spanish by Fernando and the box containing her new computer. She began to sob before she even opened the box. She clung to me crying… I held it together long enough for her to say a choked “gracias” and then we just stood there together holding each other. Looking over at her dad standing behind everyone I could see the tears in his eyes. We all left, with a feeling that is indescribable. Geoff hung back and as we all piled into the van, Mynor was clinging to Geoff, unable to speak he was crying so much. It truly was quite a moment. We saw the family one more time just before we left Guatemala. It was sad to say ‘adios’… but I know its not goodbye now. I left Claudia all my contact information so she can email me once she gets into school and figures out email. Mynor stopped us before we left and presented us with a handwritten letter that I have sitting beside me right now. It says words like… “pain”… “tears”…. “new hope”… “blessing” …. Once I got the letter translated it made my cry yet again…. it was one of the most heartfelt things I had ever read. It was as though just when I think I know and understand why God has placed Guatemala so firmly into my families hearts something else springs up to let me in on a new reason… a new hope… a new spirit. I will cherish the people I’ve met, that letter, the pictures, video and the memories I have from Guatemala forever.

People ask me all the time why we do what we do…. I always say I honestly do not know why…. I just know that I will continue to do it as long as I am physically able. There is something about my life right now that just feels right. Like my life pre-Guatemala was missing something and now its been filled. I cannot explain it any better than that…. I know when I am home there is a piece of my heart that seems to be missing… like I am only whole and complete when I am there with my family doing what we do. There was a news crew at the hospital one day wanting to interview us…. my lovely team threw me under the bus and nominated me since I knew more spanish than any of them haha… The last question the man asked me was: “Why do you do this work here in Guatemala?”… I struggled to think of an answer in English, never mind translate it into Spanish …. I said the first thing that came into my head…. “Porque Jesucristo!” … Because of Jesus Christ. ….. You know what… that answer works for me!

Thanks so much again for all the prayers and support…. All of you who donated money, time, sweat, tears, prayers, thoughts, love etc…. You will never understand how much it all means to me, my family and the people who’s lives you’ve touched. Until next time…. (and who knows it could be sooner than you think…. )…. Dios te bendiga (God Bless You)…. Rita… and Geoff, Zachary, Lucas and Gabriel.. xoxo

I’ve sat staring at a blank page for an eternity. I find writing take a lot out of me…. Putting my heart and soul out there for all to read is something I find very draining… but here goes nothing.

Being here in Guatemala again seems almost unreal at times. It’s our 3rd visit here in 2010 and that makes it seem unreal… and yet it feels so much like home its scary. The family dynamic we have here is unlike anything we experience anywhere else on the planet. We bicker less, we annoy each other less and we are way more simply a family here. There is no tv, no major distractions so we spend time together doing family things… after working that is… haha

Rachel, one of my youth girls is along with us for a portion of this trip. She expressed that she really felt God was leading her to go so after much thought and discussion between her parents and us we decided to have her accompany us for 12 days. I have to say its amazing to watch a fresh young mind with fresh young eyes see this place for the first time. Its beauty, its people etc. She has fit right into our family and is having the time of her young life. At times she struggles here as we all do. The physical struggle of the work is manageable, it’s the emotional struggle dealing with the broken-ness of our world that is hardest to manage. She expressed through tears the other night that she feels ridiculous complaining about anything in her life after seeing what she has seen here in the short time she has been here. I know that feeling… my entire family does… and I also know that fades after time but I also know that there is a piece of this place that stays with you forever. It’s impossible to come here and not be changed. We are all thankful for each other here… We talk together, cry together, pray together and bond together to help each other manage all we see and feel as a unified community. We can also feel the prayers from home and for those we are eternally thankful!

A few days after arriving here we travelled to the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro to see Hermana Mercedes and gather material lists for the work projects we fundraised for. A trip to the malnutrition hospital is always a struggle for me, a beautiful struggle but a struggle none the less. It was at this place just over 10 months ago that my life was forever changed by a tiny 17year old boy, severely malnourished with brain damage, confined to a crib, by the name of Estuardo. For those of you that have followed my blog you will remember Estuardo rocked my world and my perception of just about everything. Months ago, I cried as I stroked his head and swore to help him and others like him. I knew then and there that God led me to that place to show me the new path for my life. I remember crying more that day than I ever had in my life…. Crying for the needless suffering that severe mal-nutrition brings. I cried at the hospital, the car ride home, back at camp, through dinner, and most of the night as my life changed in an instant.

I guess you could compare it to the Grinch and how his heart grew 3 sizes that day. The day I met little Estuardo lying in a crib my heart not only grew but it changed completely. I would never, ever be the same and I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him.

All the way to the hospital I wondered how he was and I was so excited to see the boy who unknowingly changed my life. It’s very true what they say… you never quite know how you are affecting the lives of those around you….

After touring the hospital and getting the necessary material lists for the main building repairs it was time to head to the nursery building. My heart was beating fast and I was shaking all over. A familiar face was there to greet us when we walked into the nursery. A tiny little 5year old boy who could not walk during our last visit. We were pleasantly surprised to see him scurrying around on solid legs, he was walking! The rest of the nursery was quiet and pretty much empty except for 2 small girls in strollers and one baby in a crib. The baby was obviously blind and had a severe facial deformity. Basically the worst case of cleft palate I have ever seen where her front teeth were completely visible because they were where her top lip should have been.

I asked Mario to ask Hermana Mercedes where all the children were. She explained that ones that are healthy enough can go home for Christmas to spend time with their families. My heart leapt. I asked about Estuardo. Mario translated that Estuardo was indeed home!!! I smiled so wide and for a brief moment I was elated! Hermana Mercedes sensed my misunderstanding and quietly spoke to Mario to translate. By the look in her eyes I knew instinctively and I held my breath. Estuardo went home to Jesus one month ago. Estuardo had died……

Instantly my eyes filled with bittersweet tears and the room began to spin. I felt the eyes of everyone, my family, Rachel, Hermana Mercedes on me and I began to cry quietly and walked away for a moment. While I know that Estuardo is with God now and free of the pain, suffering and strife of this world it still broke my heart for the loss from this earth a beautiful boy that the world will never have the pleasure of knowing. I had a completely human reaction. As I walked back to join the others I saw all the love and compassion in their eyes. They understood. My family knew Estuardo and all that he meant to me. Even Rachel who had never met Estuardo but had heard me talk of him understood completely. After a few more discussions of renovations etc we were back off home to camp. The 1 1/2hr ride back was very quiet as all rides back from the hospital are. I shed tears yet again on that ride home.

That night I walked around the ground of Esperanza staring up into the night sky. I wish I could describe the night sky here in Guatemala and do it justice. Suffice it to say that there is no denying the existence of God when you gaze up into a clear sky here with its countless stars twinkling everywhere. To me Estuardo is one of those stars… far away and beautiful. I picture him laughing, playing and running into the arms of Jesus… all things he was incapable of doing here on earth in his frail, broken earthly body. I know he is healthy and happy now in Heaven.

Little Estuardo is my twinkling star… forever a piece of me now… I look forward to a day when I can see him again, hug him and tell him exactly what he meant to me and how he changed my life. For now I will be content to remember him every time I see a star twinkling in the night sky anywhere in the world. God speed little one!

God Bless!

So… here we are again… I’m back in Guatemala and still trying to figure out how my life has changed so much so that I am back here for the second time in just over a month….

This time it’s different.  Because I was here at the beginning to experience all the hopes, dreams, excitement & enthusiasm of everyone it was different.  The camp vibe was different.  The people were different.   Now Im here again very much toward the end of the season and much of those feelings are… well, not gone… just different.   Combine that with the fact that Ted, Miriam and the students have gone on a week long road trip and we are pretty much here on our own and you have … well … different.  Its so quiet here its almost spooky hahaha.  Different because the rains have come early and everything we do here we are racing against the clock, against the mud, against the rain.  Different because within a few days of arriving I got stung by a scorpion that had wandered into my towel while I was showering.  Ok, so its poisonous, but not deadly, but man is it painful.  As I write this days later my hand is still numb, tingly and burning… and Im told that this feeling will last for months… fun times….I guess its also different because the ‘shock’ of what I’m seeing and experiencing here isnt there anymore.  Ive seen it, I know what to expect and that makes things different.  Not less gut wrenching, just different. 

I was struggling the first few days here with everything… with all the ‘different’.  I didnt know how to process that any more than I knew how to process all that I saw the first time here.  The gang left on their road trip and Ted left us with a list of tasks which included things like returning to all the job sites we worked on when we were here last time to build doors and chimneys plus some other sites both new and old to perform various tasks.  This was so exciting to me.  I could not wait to return to see Antionette and the finished home we built.  The thought of seeing Pavlo and Cantidad made my heart soar.  If you recall that is the elderly couple that had the spider infested corn stalk home…. the one that it took them 15 minutes to move everything they own out so we could begin.   That elderly couple touched my heart and I couldnt wait to see them again.  So bright and early Monday morning off we went to visit various sites.  Our first stop was Pavlo’s… Cantidad ran out to greet us with hugs and kisses on the cheek.  She brought us fruit called grenadina and talked away like we could understand her hahaha…  I have to say that Zack and I are beginning to catch words here and there.  It is now our goal to work together to learn Spanish and eventually speak it at home between the two of us.  Semi-Flutent by next year is the goal.   It was an amazing visit and we were humbled that they remembered us so vividly.  We left there with promises to return before we head home again.   We did manage to visit them again to finish up the door we built for them.  Geoffs mom made a large beautiful blanket for us to give away last time.  For various reasons we never ended up giving away the blanket and left it here at camp in a suitcase with leftover toys we never had time to give away.  I gave the blanket to Cantidad.  Her eyes teared up when I gave it to her and she held me tight in a hug full of warmth and gratitude.  She held my hands and thanked God for sending us to her.  I cannot explain how much this old woman means to me… suffice it to say that I thank God every day for sending her to me….

From there we went to Yolanda’s.  The only thing I can tell you about Yolanda’s is the Wells of Hope built a home for her previously and there are so many kids there its unbelievable.  The tiny village has only a few homes and you will see 10 children… then 20…. then 30…  Its hilarious to visit there with the kids coming literally out of the wordwork.  And the kids are so happy and playful.  A day there is an experience like no other.  At one point Zack had 9+ kids hanging off him and Luke and Gabe just run and laugh with them.  It amazes me how we are unable to communicate much more than the basics and yet there is no need for words… none at all.    Again they have nothing more than a mud hut and a few belongings… not much food… they work harder than any of us could ever imagine and yet they have so much more than any of us do.   We handed out the rest of the toys Luke and Gabe’s school St Mark donated at Yolanda’s village.  The children literally swarmed us.  Their smiles and laughter and sheer pleasure at getting a small toy made us all happier than we had been in a very long time.  For the women Geoff’s mom had made aprons and all the women put them on immediately and wore them with wide smiles. We all left there full hearted and jovial.  There is no way in the world anyone could visit Yolanda’s village and not leave happier than they have ever felt before.

The next day after Geoff trekked up and down the mountain 4-5 times to gather supplies for various projects that Wells of Hope have going here we were off to El Progresso to the Hospital Infantil Padre Pedro also known as the Mal-Nutrition Centre and a visit to Sister Mercedes.   For those of you that followed my last trip you will remember that this place truly broke me.  I spent the rest of the day and evening after leaving there in tears.   My children watched me cry more than they have ever before.  Particularly one boy… Sister Mercedes called him “Eduardo”.  He was new to the centre and had only been there one day.  She didn’t know much more about him other than he was 17yrs old and was very close to death.  This time she knew much more… his name was not Eduardo… but Estuardo.   And I am happy to report that he is doing much much better.  The bedsores that were of great concern due to infection have cleared up nicely and although his brain has been severely damaged due to lack of nutrition he is coming along very well.   There were many more babies and children there this time, including Jennifer who is in almost as bad a shape as Estuardo and Marietta who is 13 and can be no more than 60 pounds…. Babies with no hair… sick and literally dying.   Its a tough place to see.  This was the first time our kids had been there since they did not go with us the first time.  The drive back from this place is approximately 90 minutes and not many words are spoken.  It’s very tough to speak when your heart is broken.

One thing that my boys realized quickly was that this place was in desperate need of help.  The building is falling apart and Sister Mercedes does amazing work saving the lives of these kids.  These precious little kids deserve a chance and Sister Mercedes has been trying to give them this chance for 28years with very little outside help.  My boys came out of their quiet broken-ness long enough to tell Geoff and I that the Hospital Infantil was one of the places they want to concentrate their fundraising efforts on.  I can’t argue with that… need is need and this place is in need.   Their fundraising effort had raised $1000.00 by the time we left and they decided to use some of that money here in the mountains of Jalapa to help a family who’s roof is almost non-existant and they get wet whenever it rains.  We visited them early in the week to do a bit of work to get a hydro line to their home.  They had no access to lights so a good portion of their lives have been spent in the dark.  They sold almost everything they had and most of their land to get an operation for their youngest daughter who was born with a severe cleft palate.  Even then, they did not have enough money to afford the whole operation.  So the doctor fixed the outside of the young baby’s face but not the inside.  So now when she eats the food literally comes out her nose.  On top of all this, their living conditions are not good and the roof of their cornstalk home has many leaks.  So the boys went with dad and bought some wood and some metal to replace the roof.  Next year when we return they want to build a home for this family to replace their cornstalk home and we will just re-use the roof.  Its awesome to see my boys and their efforts truly pay off in making a difference in people’s lives!  Tomorrow we will go and build that roof for this family and we are all truly excited to do so.

Well its the next day and we just returned from building the roof for Minor and his family.  It had rained here all night so the road to their home was impassable.  So we all grabbed various tools, wood and metal roofing panels and trekked up the mountain slipping and sliding the whole 1km.  It was incredibly brutal.  Geoff and Zack took the brunt of it all considering they had to make several trips up and down carrying huge pieces of wood and 12 cumbersome roof panels that were too heavy for the rest of us.  However I must say Luke managed to carry one panel and was very proud. It was such a tough day.   Brutal… and yet just a mere taste of the labour intensive life these people live.  This family walks that road several times a day to get water and other supplies.  Everyone works here.. even small children… everyone!  Finally many hours later we were all dead tired, filthy, covered with mud and done.  The roof was on and the family will remain dry during this coming rainy season.  Next year we will return to build them a home if our fundraising efforts continue to go well.   While we were there a man came to see us and ask if we could do the same for his home.  So we walked a fair distance to see his home.  Daylight streamed into the home from the various holes in the roof.  Immediately Luke and Gabe said that we need to buy this man metal panels to fix his roof.  We explained to them that this will take up more of their fundraising money and they both agreed that they could not walk away and leave this family in need… So looks like these boys managed to really help 2 families in need during this trip from the money that was raised.  Our whole family wants to thank everyone who donated… you have no idea how your money has made a difference in peoples lives here… the people here say a heartfelt “Gracias!”

On the way back to camp as we were driving down the mountain past Pavlo’s we saw Cantidad running waving her arms furiously.  Geoff slammed on the brakes thinking that there was something wrong.  He ran up the hill to greet her.  She grabbed him and hugged him so tight then turned to the truck and waved to me and wrapped her arms around herself in a makeshift hug sent across the distance.  My heart both leapt and broke.  My eyes filled with tears.  She flagged us down just to give us that hug.  I am unable to communicate with her very much and yet this woman has worked her way into my heart so much.   I feel privileged to have even met her… I feel even more privileged to have had the opportunity to be a part of the team that built her and her family a home.  Its amazing how one very elderly woman I barely know can represent so much…. She is a part of me now… she is Guatemala to me… Guatemala is where I found myself and what I stand for… she is the reason I am here… she is the reason I am home when I am here… and I will come home to her again and again God willing….

Its Sunday…. we arrived home late Thursday night/early Friday morning…. Been struggling ever since we arrived back in the Great White North.  The only way to describe how I feel is simply … wrong.   It all feels wrong…  The changes that I feel inside are not subtle… there is no mistaking that my heart, my mind, my very soul has changed profoundly.  There is no way one can have an experience like this and not be changed.  My fear is falling into complacency but I truly do not see that ever happening.  I feel like I’ve had cuts made into my heart… deep ones… and those kind of cuts leave scars.  Deep, deep scars that will last forever.   Each and every person I met… each and every place I visited… each and every student… virtually everything cut a notch in my heart… they have not begun to heal yet… they are still gaping open wounds but I know they will scab, and then leave behind the scars I will carry for the rest of my life.

I attended a conference at my Church on Saturday called GO10.  It is geared at being the ‘hands and feet of Christ’… Issues like poverty, marginalization etc.  I attended last year and I will say that it is an amazing experience.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  This year Geoff and I literally lasted 15 minutes in the first seminar and had to leave.  There were so many reasons why we left… but the greatest of which is simply that the cuts into my heart are still too fresh.  So much so that I can barely make it through an hour now without tears welling up in my eyes.  When people ask me how my trip was I find myself replying “read my blog” because I simply cannot re-live it… not yet.   Geoff and I were home less than 36hrs when we attempted to attend the GO conference… that was not enough time…. so we got in our car, got tea and drove around talking for a few hours.  Really talking…. I can’t help but notice the changes in my relationship with Geoff… beautiful changes.  Even though we have been together for over 20yrs I have always found myself a bit embarrased to cry in front of him.  There is something about being vulnerable even with the one person in your life that you trust the most that goes against our human ‘survival’ instinct.  Its not like that anymore.  He and I cry freely and openly with each other now… shedding tears for Guatemala…. its people… “our” mountain…  and every other place on the planet that shares in the grief of being a ‘developing’ nation.

When we woke up, safe, warm and comfortable in our own bed on Friday morning there was something missing from our lives.  The sense of ‘wrongness’ had begun.  Our kids were kind of whiny and scattered about the house doing their own thing.  He and I got busy unpacking and doing our own thing.  The vibe of our family had changed drastically and it had been only 9hrs since we got off that plane.   Waking up at Campo Esperanza we were all together… students, the Van Der Zalm’s, us, Dave, Alley, Nicole, my family… Everyone greeted each other warmly… everyone was up early and full of life to begin the day.  Here we were alone and separated by the very sense of familliarity that makes us a family.  I don’t like it one bit.  As I write this, Geoff is sitting beside me on his computer, Zack is in his room with a friend playing a game, Luke is watching tv and Gabe is colouring.  We are inhabiting the same 1200sqft space and we have certainly carved out our ‘alone’ place in it.  Now, everyone needs time alone… I get that… but this is different… this isn’t being alone… this is being separate.  Why must it be that way?   Why is it that in Guatemala, we laughed, we cried, we played, we worked, we hung out 24/7 as a unified family… never separate… and here separateness is total.

I think waking up that Friday morning here in Beamsville was as eye opening as seeing Guatemala and its strife.  You could feel the tangible wrongness in all of us.  We missed it… missed the camp, missed the students, missed Ted, Miriam and the kids… missed Guatemala…missed the mountain, its people,  its poverty, its beauty, its hope.   Zack has not communicated much of his feelings to me since that day a few weeks ago walking with him in the jungle… but I know he feels it too.  As much as his 15yr old heart and mind can handle … or will allow him to handle.   All he says now is that he wants very badly to go back.  Luke and Gabe have made it their mission in life to raise $2000.00 before we return (which they are hoping is within a few weeks) to build a classroom for Laguna school where we handed out the toys…   The end goal for them is to raise $10,000.00 over the next 1-2yrs. They want to build a home for someone and to help fix up the Nutrition Centre where we met Eduardo.   These 2 are so young and yet such an inspiration.  For them its so simple…. “Mommy, these kids need us so we are going to get money for them so they don’t have to hurt and die anymore”… Oh if it were just that simple….   I’m going to do my best to make their dreams come true… and I will do everything in my power to help these boys raise the money and reach their goal!!!

For me, everything has changed…. how do you go to a mall… how do you order a steak at the Keg… I know I will… but its not going to be easy… not at first.  Everything I spend, everything I do from now on, I will be a bit more mindful of the cost.. not just to my wallet but to the world as a whole.  I know life will continue…. I know that I will shop… I know I will overspend at Christmas… I know these ineveitable truths… but I know that my idea of ‘inconvenience’… my idea of ‘give till it hurts, then give some more’ will always be different than it was a few weeks ago…  Shelley, Eduardo, Pavlo, Cantidad, Baby Daryl and the others will be the scars I carry… good ones… ones that not only make me sad but remind me of times where I listened to the laughter… danced in the rain, hung out and talked with some of the most wonderful young people I have ever had the privilege of knowing, worked until I hurt so bad I wanted to faint and had….. hope…  True, real, tangible HOPE!    I want to return to them all… sooner rather than later… I want to continue to Be the Change….and I know I will….

Without every communicating a word of my feelings to Geoff…. Friday morning,  less than 12hrs after getting off that plane, he just knew.  He opened his laptop and began searching flights back.  So there it is… we are returning… dates have yet to be set… flights have yet to be booked… but I can say that we are going back… and I am talking about within a few weeks.   School will have to deal… work will have to deal… our friends and family will have to deal… The Doppenberg’s need this… we need to return to a place that feels ‘right’ for our family… to a place that feels more like home than here… to a place where hope is alive and well……

…. stay tuned….. the adventure has just begun…..

God Bless you all…

Its Tuesday… the internet here has been down since last week… its difficult being so out of touch with the outside world… and yet… its been wonderful… No tv.. no internet… very sporatic and rare cellular communication.  Even newspapers and tv hold no help for catching up with the world inside and outside Guatemala because we cannot speak, read or understand the language.  Apparently a 5.0 earthquake hit here at 5am… all we know is that it sounded like every animal in Guatemala was making noise… we heard about it 3days later when someone called home!  Its like the world outside of Campo Esperanza, Jalapa and this mountain have ceased to exist to us.  This is our world now.  Its going to be difficult to integreate back into life I think.  Its all so simple here… wake up early, breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner, together time, sleep, repeat.  There are no further distractions.  Its given me so much time to focus my family, others, myself and my faith.  Not just my faith in God… but my faith in humanity… in those around me… and those around the world…  We are just a handful of people here and yet we have managed to achieve so much in just a few short weeks.  2 homes are being built…. one of which (Antionette’s) is drying and will be completed by having the roof added within a week or so…the other (for the elderly couple Pavlo and Candidad)   has begun and will be ready soon…. we dug a trench and installed water lines to the family across the road from camp.  They are in severe poverty and this access to water will enable them to grow crops through the entire year (even the dry season) and provide them potential for a solid living.  All in all we have had a productive few weeks.  Much of it was spent touring the area and setting up things for the teams yet to come.  But we managed to make a difference in some lives.. we provided hope and opportunity for a different, better future.  As I said, simple…

Yesterday we drove Adam and Aaron (2 university students who were here for 10 days) to Guatemala City for their flight home.  We spent the day there as a family (and Dave) and tried to do ‘normal’ things.  Things like eating in a restaurant, going shopping… sightseeing.  Within an hour we were all stressed and annoyed by the normalcy of it all… by the chaos and redundancy of the city.  Camp is like paradise… rooms, beds, fantastic meals, fellowship and community.   Here in the mountains you can be sure that everyone you see says “Buenos Dias”…  The city is cold and makes you feel stressed and isolated, you dont make eye contact anywhere there.  It will be interesting to see how our return home goes.  On one hand we are excited to be going home.  We have much to look forward to there… people we love and miss… our own beds, our dogs, our life…  and on the other hand it would be easy to just sell it all, move here and help people every day… it would be simple….

I had a mental meltdown on Sunday… it had been a stressful weekend.  We decided as a group on Saturday to pile in the trucks, pick up Mario (our interpreter)and his family, grab pizza and go to a big soccer game that was happening in Jalapa.  It was a great night… full of fun and excitement.  But somehow it all felt wrong deep down.  Its hard to enjoy things when the world around you is a total mess.  We all know that guilt is counter-productive but its hard to not feel the wrongness of it all here.  All you have to do is step outside the door of the camp and look out into the mountainsides…  Either way it was still a fun night with all of us.  On Sunday we went to church and wow.. what an experience that was.  Mass was to begin at 10:00am and was outdoor.  It was a huge feast day where the bishop was attending for the blessing of the seeds for the upcoming planting season.   Fireworks and those bomb like things were going off every few minutes throughout the celebration.  It was a sea of people.  There were no more services on the mountain so people for all the surrounding villages made their way to this one outdoor service.  Booths were set up on the perimeter selling drinks and snacks.  The sun was beating down on us and it was very warm.  Mass did not begin until almost 11am and was very, very long.  We were all hot and quite honestly frustrated that we could not understand a word of the service.  Once it was over, we dragged our crispy bodies back to camp had some lunch and then we were off again.

Ted, Miriam, myself, Geoff and Dave H. went to visit the Nutrition Centre in Progresso about an hour away.  I was truly looking forward to this trip because nutrition is something I’ve always been interested in as I explained in an earlier blog.  The centre is run by Sister Mercedes.  She founded it 28yrs ago and a kind family donated the property to her to help children who suffer from malnutrition in the area.   She is looking to get an opportunity to have a 2nd more permanent location in Jalapa but for now she travels the hour long one way commute on twisty dangerous mountain roads 3 days a week.  Upon arriving and meeting her another nun came with drinks for us all.  I admit I was terrified to drink this cloudy looking water.   Miriam took it and drank and that gave us the signal that we were ok to drink.  It tasted terrible but we all drank and were thankful for it.  Its a sugar water sort of thing made from a plant and is cheap to make and provides some sweetness.  I suppose its an aquired taste.  They made it with filtered water so we would not become ill… they inconvenienced themselves for us and we truly were thankful.   After our refreshment we were off for a tour of the facility that houses approx 30children at a time.  Touring the facility we noticed that there was a lot of smoke in the inside air.  Ted was fearful that the smokeless stove they built for them was malfuctioning but once we were in the room where they were cooking we realized that they weren’t using it correctly.  The roof has problems and there are areas where it is asbestos and it is crumbling.  The walls need work, the floors, they need small kitchens built… they have one area in mind that would be great for a kitchen.  They tore out an old bathroom in the school part of the building.  When we entered the area to look at it the stench was horrible.  Apparently when they took out the bathroom they left the pipes open and just covered them with wood… Basically they need an overhaul.  Its an amazing group of buildings but it needs much TLC.  I think Geoff and I may have found the personal project we have been looking for…

At one point during the tour Sister Mercedes took us into a room that was obviously a nursery.  Empty cribs were lined up along the walls and there were pictures of past babies and children who are ‘success stories’ so to speak.   I noticed at the far end of the room was a crib covered in marroon mosquito netting… Once I got closer I saw that the crib was indeed occupied by a boy about the size of Lucas (my smaller than average 9yr old).  Sister Mercedes told us his name was Eduardo and that she brought him to the centre a month ago.  His back was to us so she rolled him over and we gently called out his name and rubbed his head.  He was obviously mentally challenged… apparently he was so severely malnourished because his family simply couldn’t afford food and as a result he did not develop mentally or physically.  He is unable to speak and she isnt sure how much he can comprehend.   I heard Sister telling Miriam that Eduardo was 17… I said wow, 17lbs?…. she corrected me … Eduardo is 17yrs old.   I cannot describe the shock that hit me… you sincerely could have knocked me over with a feather.  I walked back over to him and looked into his big blank brown eyes and began to cry.  He looks like a small child!   Through my tears I managed to take some non-flash pictures of him.  I felt awful doing so but Ted reminded me that Im here for a reason and through my blog, my talking and my photo’s perhaps I can raise awareness and inspire people to help both by donating time and money.  My pictures most likely didnt turn out well because they were shot through totally water filled eyes… I cannot say for sure because I cannot bear to look at them.  This little boy, who should be a young man broke what was left of my heart….

Upon returning to camp I could not even sit with anyone, I went for a walk with Geoff and again I cried.  It was his turn to help cook dinner so I continued to walk by myself.  I ended up sitting alone on a rock outcropping near camp where no one could see me.  Gabriel my youngest saw me and came to me and held me tight.  I explained to him why I was crying and he felt ok leaving me alone.  I couldnt bear making him cry too… Once he was gone, the torrent of tears that I cried was unbelievable.  I cried for over an hour…. and I mean sobbing… I cried for Eduardo… for Nico’s hollow eyed children… for Shelley the epileptic girl who is mentally challenged and sexually abused because of lack of money for meds…. for the children at the school… for those at the dirty puddles gathering water… for the 15yr old girls married and having babies… I cried tears of thankfulness that through Gods grace I was born in a country that I was able to raise healthy children…. I cried tears for them all…for it all… for the young, for the old… for the hungry, for the broken… I was mentally and emotionally broken.  It’s not that it was all too much… it was that it was all too wrong…. too senseless.. too avoidable… fixing these things… to make sure they never happen again would be easy… to see that things here are fixed…. would be…… simple…..

I recovered by morning.  The scars that are on my heart will remain.  They are simply too deep to ever leave.  Perhaps they will fade a bit… but I will never let them go away.  This mountain… Jalapa… Guatemala is in my heart now… its a part of me… a part that is painful… and joyful in the biggest contradiction of feeling I have ever experienced… but it is a part of who I am now… its just that simple….

Something has stuck with me…. something I heard … It has been in the back of my mind since I arrived here.  My lifegroup leader Laurie told a story more than once of her experience here in Guatemala.  She said that there were times that she didn’t think she could go on… she just didnt have the strength to lift that pick axe one more time… but one look into the eyes of a little Guatemalan girl that was watching her and she somehow found another swing.. then another… then another….  I totally understand now what she was talking about…. Today I knew that kind of determination.

Today we left the camp at 8am as usual.  We were off to Antionette’s home.  Martin (the mason) needed more mud bricks so we were there to supply him with more.  Trip after trip we carried brick after brick.  I’ve already told you how labour intensive that is… totally draining.  In the end we carried 500 mud bricks to Martin.  We made the best of it… We taught Martin some english phrases like “Goodbye” and “Excuse me”… we had some fun listening to him say our names.  It took him a long time to understand mine because when I was trying to tell him I had forgotten to roll my R…. Rrrrrrrrita… Once I rolled my tongue he got it right away.  We were all totally fed up with the whole brick thing so to make it more interesting we made it a competition to see if during each trip to the brick making yard and back we could beat our previous time.  Normally as you get more tired you slow down but this gave us the determination to push ourselves harder and harder and beat our last time.   We took it from 30min… to 28min… to 20min… to our final best of 15min right on the nose!!!  After our last trip Antionette made us lunch again.  Rice and beans this time.  Geoff, Dave H and myself took a pass on lunch this time… as appreciative as we were we were unable to handle it today… our tummies have been a tad fragile lately so we took a quick walk to the tienda (store) and got some cookies instead.

After lunch we were off to visit Pavlo and Cantidad…  They are an elderly couple that have been requesting help from Wells of Hope for the past year.  They live in a cornstalk home and its honestly no place for an animal to live let alone an elderly couple.  On the way we made a stop for … you guessed it… more mud bricks because as a group we had discussed and decided to build them a new home!  All the students wanted to give these people a home quite badly.  When we had visited earlier in the week they all said that we have a moral responsibility to take care of our elders so we must help them get better living accomodations.  So here we were now making this families dream a reality.

The look on their faces when we arrived carrying bricks and tools was priceless.  The realization that they no longer had to suffer cold at night with bugs and spiders climbing and biting…  One realization struck me… if someone were to show up at your home and say “We have a tent for you to stay in while we build you a home,  how quickly can you move out?”, how long would it take you to pack up everything you own and move out?  One day?  Three days?  One week?  How many trucks would you need?  One pickup truck?  One large size U-haul?  Two?  Let me tell you, it took them less than 15 minutes to gather everything they own and move it up the mountain to a flat spot out of the way where Greg and some others were setting up a tent like carport for them to live in temporarily.  Fifteen minutes!  They have viturally nothing… and there are others living with them a niece and a couple of children.  Yet they have almost no personal posessions.  One lonely tooth brush hung from a string by a small cosmetic mirror hung on the inside wall of the cornstalk sleeping area.    In the one corner was a small open fire.  The entire room was filled with smoke.  There was virutally nothing else in the room but a few tattered blankets and some clothing.  In the kitchen was a stove area that expels smoke into the room.  A few old pots and several machete’s.  Imagine living life in 2 rooms.  No real beds, virtually living outside with very little to block the rain and wind… No tv, no diswasher, virtually no dishes… no washer, no dryer… no knick knacks, no radio, no computer, no cd’s, hardly any clothes, no toothbrush… and NO washroom… no toilet, no tub, no shower, no toothbrush… bathing is done in the nearest puddle of dirty infested water and washroom business is done in the jungle.  Life is labour intensive and tougher than you could imagine…. but it is simple…. people are happy… they are people just like you and I… but there is a sparkle in their eyes that we lack.  I am learning that in some ways despite the intense poverty they experience, despite the hard, intense labour they must endure every minute, despite being thirsty and hungry and having very little shelter, I find myself being just a bit envious of them and their happiness… their simplicity… their faith, their hope, their spirit.

We began demolition of their house within a few minutes of getting there.  We ripped down the walls, tore off the roofs and pulled up all the support poles and within an hour it was all gone.  The roof inside was covered with a thick layer of creosote so thick it was like stalagmites hanging from the ceiling.  It was from the cooking and the fires that are done inside the house.  I cannot even imagine what these poor people’s lungs are like.  Breathing that in day after day, year after year… with children being raised in these rooms.  Tarantula’s crawled out of the cornstalk walls as we moved them.  They were huge, black and hairy… not poisonous but they were still ugly and scary none the less.  I was helping Geoff take down a beam and one of these beasts flew at me and hit me in the face.  That was an experience I’d prefer to never have happen again to be honest.   They were everywhere and they bit.  We couldn’t help but think of the fact that these creatures would be crawling over these people and biting as they slept.  When Ted asked us if we were willing to stay the whole day and work instead of returning to camp (this meant the students would have a double lesson tomorrow) everyone agreed.  We were all incredibly tired and worn out but looking into the eyes of these people and thinking of them being cold at night and being bitten by these spiders gave us all the determination to go on… to get this house built as quickly as possible.

So off Ted went to get Martin and pull him off of the building of Antionette’s home so he could come and mark out the location of the new home so we could begin digging the foundation.  It took Martin about an hour so we got almost too much of a break.  It was enough to let stiffness and fatigue settle into us.   By the time he was done and the foundation was marked no one wanted to move.  Especially me… I admit I felt near to dropping.  All those bricks, all that demolition, not much lunch and just plain fatigue had all played a part in making me feel like I could not go on.  Ted took me for a walk up the mountain to see the temporary home of the Pavlo and Cantidad.  They were  sitting around a fire with family members and the children.. Cantidad approached Ted and even though I could not understand what she was saying I understood enough to know she was thanking him.  After that I found some determination to continue.  So down we went, picked up the tools and got to work.  We all dug and dug and dug… pickaxes, shovels, hoes and sheer determination getting it done.   I am telling you to trust me when I say that work down here is brutal.  The ground is not soft… the weather is hot… the bugs bite and even petting a dog here can get you a nasty bite.  But the work is more rewarding than anything I’ve ever done before.  Pretty much every muscle I have hurts, even some I didn’t know I had.  I’m tired because the animals make so much noise its hard to sleep.  I’m tired because I’m working harding physically than I ever have before in my life….And yet, I go on… I work hard… everywhere I can see the eyes of these people looking at me full of hope.. full of life… and I keep going…

Geoff and I have been walking the property here several times a day… talking and trying to process the things we have seen here.  A visit to Nico’s house yesterday put us all in a mood.  Those children have no laughter in them.  I can’t image the horror of their lives.  Nico is not doing well and seems to have been shirking his responsibilities as a father.  He has been drinking.  Its frustrating to see those kids cry in fear of us as we are handing them gifts…  There is no joy, no hope, in their eyes… as a matter of fact there is nothing in their eyes but fear and a certain deadness.  Its heartbreaking to watch knowing all that Ted and Wells of Hope has tried to do to help this family.  We as a group are still brainstorming what to do about this.  Trying to find a way to help them become more self sufficient.  Trying to find a solution to Nico and his drinking.   A trip to Nico’s house equals a definate tearfest for those that visit.   Alley has a special place for Nico and his family in her heart.  She was very upset after we left there.  So upon returning to camp that afternoon Geoff, Dave and I convinced her to join us in Jalapa for an hour.  We needed to get out of here and clear our heads.  So off we went and it was a great time.  We hung out in the cafe, had a snack and just laughed and enjoyed each other’s company.  It was much needed and very therapeutic.  It felt good to be silly and laugh for a while.

Its Saturday now…. This morning Geoff and I walked the property again… we have been struggling with going home.   Walking the property singing… “Should I stay or should I go now…. “….  Back and forth, back and forth… We are changing our ticket… we are not changing our ticket…. We have had some long talks with Ted and I have to say, I admire the van der Zalm family very much.  What they have done here is amazing.  I understand now why Ted says it isn’t about coming down here to appease our personal guilt.  To do a semi-tourism sort of thing and help out so that we feel better once.  Coming down here and truly seeing with open eyes and an open heart makes you need to come back again and again.  The desire to help here and commit to continue to help is what is needed.  Its more than “short term mission” or whatever phrasing you prefer.  Need has a name… need has eyes, noses, mouths and heartbeats… need has feelings… need laughs, cries just like us… Those who need are people just like us… its simple… we have need too… we NEED to help!   Its about commitment.  Its about knowing whats out here and having a moral responsibility to keep coming and helping.  And that goes for anywhere in the world where there is need… and that is worldwide… here, Africa, India, New Orleans …. and yes even St Catharines.  Even people who do not have the ability to travel can be called to help… financially, through fundraising, through helping families or individuals who can travel however they need.  You get my point?  The bottom line is everyone has a place in this world and a way to help, everyone just needs to figure out how they can help.  You know, BE THE CHANGE you want to see in the world….

The draw to stay here is very strong.  Its so hard to think of leaving… to leave these people and their need… to leave projects unfinished….to leave the simple beauty of this place…. to leave these students who we have grown so close to.  We have so many reasons to stay.  Yet the draw to go home is strong too… I miss my home… I miss my family and friends… I miss my lifegroup girls….  so many reasons to go home.  We are so torn… I think we have decided to not change our ticket home… I am not sure though… That decision seems to change almost hourly…. I am sure… absolutely positive that we will be returning in April.  We have to… its that simple…